Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i can't believe it, Morley Safer tribute was on last week and not 60 minutes later he's gone

   If there isn't a huge mess to clean up after cooking or sex, you're doing it wrong...

   I wish I was British so I could say cool stuff like "brilliant" and "crikey" and "I don't have worry about Trump leading my country"

   In our local supermarket, they always have 6 checkouts open. Except when it's really busy then they have 2...

   I hate when I'm on a first date and she goes, "I just know we'll be together forever." Then uses Crazy Glue instead of lube.

   I don’t know why people will get embarrassed when they take a magazine to the toilet, you should see the looks I get when I take my plunger.

   I've decided to become Transhandicap so I can park anywhere I want too.

   In what world does a box of macaroni and cheese serve 4 people?

   LinkedIn is just a dating site for people with a job right?

   Nearly wrecked my car trying to save my tacos from falling. Before you question my priorities let me point out, there was sour cream on them.

   The best dates end with "I can't believe we did that"

   A moped is basically just a motorized key to every girl's heart locket.

   Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall.

   Just got back from Fight Club. It was really fun! Got there late so missed the rules being read out but I'm sure it was nothing important.

   'You're still a rockstar' I whisper to myself as I take my multivitamin and get in bed at 9:45.

   Feels like Ryan Gosling & I have a lot in common: We're both men, we both have kids. He owns a restaurant in Beverly Hills, I go to Arby's.

   I assume when a restaurant says it's "homestyle," I'll be eating my meal over a sink.

   The Cheers theme plays as I walk into McDonald's and have a mild heart attack against a trash can.

   I casually pull out my solid gold asthma inhaler with the word 'PIMP' engraved on it. I suck at it hard yet it is you who feel breathless.

   Horror movies don't scare me. 5 missed calls from mom scares me.