Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1234 of 6446

Wears an "I'm with stupid" shirt to marriage counseling.
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07-12-2016 01:13
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Often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
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07-12-2016 01:12
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Don't know if dogs get how cool they look in sunglasses.
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07-12-2016 01:11
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Finally told my parents their neighbor of 20 years has always been an openly gay man.
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07-12-2016 01:09
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I'm saving my abstinence for marriage.
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07-12-2016 00:58
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I wore some of those khaki shorts with tiny lobsters all over them and my credit score went up 30 points.
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07-12-2016 00:56
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When I was a teenager, there was only one phone app. It was called the "dial tone."
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07-12-2016 00:55
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In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
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07-12-2016 00:50
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There's no I in team due in large part to my utter lack of athletic ability.
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07-12-2016 00:47
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Pro Tip: Possums, wheither really dead or faking it, make great pillows for camping.
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07-12-2016 00:43
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If you love Jesus more than your husband then start praying the next time you need a jar open.
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07-12-2016 00:41
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Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn't seen me drunk.
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07-12-2016 00:37
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Donald Trump celebrated Free Slurpee Day by honoring those brave souls who died on 7/11.
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07-12-2016 00:35
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Overheard inside 7Eleven yesterday, if the hot dogs stay on the heated rollers for 24 hours they become mini Slim Jim's.
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07-12-2016 00:32
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Overheard at the 7Eleven slurpee machines, all employees must immediately get a tetanus shot after using the bathroom.
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07-12-2016 00:28
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New study suggests eating pasta does not promote weight gain. However, not stopping, just might.
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07-12-2016 00:24
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It's cute how you tell people you're broke they think you mean financially and not emotionally.
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07-12-2016 00:22
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Just how can these folks afford to buy all of these weapons and ammunition while on Welfare and Food Stamps anyways? Last I checked those items really don't qualify for Food Stamp Purchases.
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07-11-2016 22:01
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Its true what they say about never meeting your heroes. Just ask anyone who's ever met me.
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07-11-2016 21:57
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LOL ..... "Planned Parenthod" Tweeted that Black Lives Matter ........ Hmmmmm ... turns out Black women comprise almost 40-50% of the abortions in the US. Guess you don't wanna make your best customers angry.
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07-11-2016 20:37
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