Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Wears an "I'm with stupid" shirt to marriage counseling.
←Rate | 07-12-2016 01:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
←Rate | 07-12-2016 01:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don't know if dogs get how cool they look in sunglasses.
←Rate | 07-12-2016 01:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Finally told my parents their neighbor of 20 years has always been an openly gay man.
←Rate | 07-12-2016 01:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm saving my abstinence for marriage.
←Rate | 07-12-2016 00:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wore some of those khaki shorts with tiny lobsters all over them and my credit score went up 30 points.
←Rate | 07-12-2016 00:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I was a teenager, there was only one phone app. It was called the "dial tone."
←Rate | 07-12-2016 00:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
←Rate | 07-12-2016 00:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon There's no I in team due in large part to my utter lack of athletic ability.
←Rate | 07-12-2016 00:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Pro Tip: Possums, wheither really dead or faking it, make great pillows for camping.
←Rate | 07-12-2016 00:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you love Jesus more than your husband then start praying the next time you need a jar open.
←Rate | 07-12-2016 00:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn't seen me drunk.
←Rate | 07-12-2016 00:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Donald Trump celebrated Free Slurpee Day by honoring those brave souls who died on 7/11.
←Rate | 07-12-2016 00:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Overheard inside 7Eleven yesterday, if the hot dogs stay on the heated rollers for 24 hours they become mini Slim Jim's.
←Rate | 07-12-2016 00:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Overheard at the 7Eleven slurpee machines, all employees must immediately get a tetanus shot after using the bathroom.
←Rate | 07-12-2016 00:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon New study suggests eating pasta does not promote weight gain. However, not stopping, just might.
←Rate | 07-12-2016 00:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's cute how you tell people you're broke they think you mean financially and not emotionally.
←Rate | 07-12-2016 00:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just how can these folks afford to buy all of these weapons and ammunition while on Welfare and Food Stamps anyways? Last I checked those items really don't qualify for Food Stamp Purchases.
←Rate | 07-11-2016 22:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Its true what they say about never meeting your heroes. Just ask anyone who's ever met me.
←Rate | 07-11-2016 21:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon LOL ..... "Planned Parenthod" Tweeted that Black Lives Matter ........ Hmmmmm ... turns out Black women comprise almost 40-50% of the abortions in the US. Guess you don't wanna make your best customers angry.
←Rate | 07-11-2016 20:37 Comments (2)  




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