Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   GARDENING. Cheaper than therapy and ya get tomatos!

   * Me with the Dr. they assigned me in my new HMO... Doctor: Ted, you're dying...... ME: My name's not Ted.... Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you're pregnant.

   Let me see if I have this right, they defended the White House from a home invasion with guns?

   .... In a world where people don't understand the consequences of their actions ..... People shall be hurt .... and People shall perish .....

   No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

   I'm not hard of hearing. I'm tired of hearing.

   How many more of these body wraps do I have to eat before I start losing inches?

   FACT: I've been rescheduling the same dentist appointment since 2009

   Morley Safer contributes exponentially more to societal advancement, and gets only a few mentions in the press. Prince, who basically was a fruitcake who could play a guitar solo, is still getting press.

   If I know 1 thing about the speed of light, it gets here to early in the morning.

   Call me a skeptic but I doubt people LOL as much as they claim.

   My son asked me what's "Chillaxing"? "That's what Eskimos do.... they set around their igloo's taking laxatives for fun" I explained.

   What starts with P & ends with orn? Popcorn What starts with F & ends with uck? Firetruck. What starts with G & ends with ay? Justin Bieber

   High school makes you realize that you only need one best friend and like three close friends, because you realize how fake everyone is.

   Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.

   I'd like to be so rich that my dog has a dog!

   How do you get your name put in lights all over the world? Change it to Emergency Exit.

   "Chillax" ironicly the most irritating word known to man.

   If 9/11 taught us anything, it's that Superman's a lazy ass.

   With a gentle stroke he wipes her tears away, and accidentally her eyebrows