Funny Status Messages

   If you don't think that time traveling is possible,, just start an argument with your wife.

   What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?

   "Hit em with the Hein!!"

   Military coup in Turkey. Terrorism in France. Massacre in Dallas. "Day Of Rage" across the US. Ghostbusters remake in theaters. I want to move....to a different planet.

   God gave his own Archangels Weapons ... Because even God knew you don't fight Evil with tolerance and understanding.

   I grew up living Paycheck to Paycheck ...... NOW after a lot of very hard work and Perseverance ... I now live from Direct Deposit to Direct Deposit.

   Every room is a panic room if you suffer from anxiety.

   Mick Jagger to be a father at 72. Names Keith Richards child's godfather to ensure the child is brought up right long after Mick's gone.

   Minor Daily Wins: I was 5 minutes late for work today, but my boss was 15 minutes late....so I was 10 minutes early to work.

   Tim Tebow speaking at the Republican National Convention guarantees the Republicans have no shot at winning the Superbowl next year.

   Pro Tip: Avoid conversations by sitting at the bottom of the pool.

   5 Word Guilt Trip: Just go. I'll be fine.

   Did you know, the inventor of the headphones worked next to a guy who happily whistled all of the time.

   Never watched a documentary about paint drying though I have watched a 4 year old eat 7 peas.

   Sarah Palin not asked to speak at the Republican National Convention after discovering she doesn't have a passport to leave Alaska.

   "1-800-Yankees." - My reply when someone asks me to give them a phone number

   Just farted so badly Adam Sandler is pitching to buy the rights to make a movie about it.

   This Pokemon Go app is getting way too serious ..... My doctor said he found a Pokemon in my Chest X-Ray

   QUESTION: "What to you have when you finally find ALL of the Pokemon?" ... ANSWER: "Nothing .... you have nothing."

   ... it's so damn HOT out there I'm not even going out to look for Pokemon.