Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Haven't tried heroin yet, but I imagine the rush is like remembering I have pie in the fridge.

   Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump's security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

   Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting "Mean Girls."

   Any of you folks finding that a litter box is just more convenient than a toilet?

   Don't want to jump to conclusions but you look like you have a porch couch.

   Often wonder if ax murderers hide in the woods or live in regular houses. Anyway, have fun camping this weekend.

   Our neighbours are the type that run marathons. We're the type where, as we get out of the car, empty donut boxes fall out.

   Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

   Question: Is sexual healing covered by Obamacare?

   The Rick Springfield Paradox: If you get Jessie's Girl, she is no longer Jessie's Girl, and you have obtained nothing.

   Somebody please introduce these Anonymous Hacktivists to PokemonGo, might get them out of the house for a bit.

   Why dont they serve hotdogs at a gay picnic. because they taste like shiiit

   "It's so nice to see you finally working together," I tell my kids as they overthrow me.

   Forget a wall, we should just put caution tape around the borders of America.

   Just when you think the world’s gone crazy you find out Mick Jagger knocked up his 29-year-old girlfriend and everything makes sense again.

   Aladdin is my favorite story about how anything is possible if you find a magical genie that grants wishes.

   You're part of the problem if you post a click bait article on Facebook and don't give the ending forcing me to have to click it.

   I'm self-employed and I can't believe my boss touches me inappropriately so often.

   Always wonder how many drug users have heated heroin in the spoon I'm about to use to eat my cereal, in this motel room.

   Picture a gang of criminals scanning an area for Pokemon before deciding to dump a body.