Funny Status Messages

   A birth certificate is basically a baby receipt.

   Females don't want much from you except your time, attention, space, food, shirts, fun, bed covers, genitals, passwords, credit cards, life and soul.

   Science....because the answer never turned out to be magic. Ever.

   .... In a world collapsing ..... What do YOU prefer? ...... Comforting LIES .... Or .... Unpleasant TRUTHS?

   .... Do you think ISIS cares about Pathetic Hashtags, Prayers or ... Candles? Wake up Earth!! They care not about you ....

   I'd love to watch Samuel L Jackson and Morgan Freeman get into a heated argument while James Earl Jones tries to stop them.

   Black Beatles Lives Matter. Black Eyed Peas Matter. Black Leather Jackets Matter. Now Black Off And Leave Me The F#ck Alone. . .

   Stop checking my Status , Go and love your GF

   Skip the next 20 pages, nothing worth stealing.

   ... Look .... I'm Sorry but if I see you walk into a fence or wall or see you fall into a pothole because you were looking for Pikachu ... I'm only gonna Laughachu!

   Went out with this really cute babe today .... Was really kinda disappointed when she took off her bra to find out it just full of Pokemon.

   Two words: Pokemon No

   ... Seriously .... I really don't know when the giant UFO landed and dumped off all of these stupid people .... But one thing's for sure .... They ain't coming back for them!

   The dental hygienist asked if I have any concerns. So we talked for 20 minutes about how Kevin Durant will fit in with the Warriors.

   ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I'm going to Skype call that radio psychic.... RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you're on the air...... ME: HOLY CRAP !?!

   Right now at this very moment I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before.

   I bet if Bon Jovi could turn back time he wouldn't do those awful DirecTV commercials.

   "1-800-Yankees." - My reply when someone at a store asks me to give them a phone number.

   Can you do me a favor? Take a picture of yourself, and send it to me. I am playing cards and seem to be missing the Joker |♠|♣|♥|♦|

   Just heard on the radio that former child star McCauley Culkin may soon get married for a second time...... I guess he was tired of being "Home Alone."