Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.

   When you find your kid grooving to Nickelback....it's time to have that talk.

   I use the men's restroom even though I'm a woman because I identify with waiting on a shorter line.

   If you just came out of a one year coma, and everyone was telling you that Trump was the GOP nominee for President, you would be convinced you were on some kind of hidden camera prank show.

   I am sure hope this John Miller guy whoever he is, former spokesman to Donald Trump, becomes the Vice President nominee on the Republican ticket this year.

   Trump constantly flip flops on his positions, no one wants to see him wearing flip flops.

   John Miller is Donald Trump's fake spokesman, of was it Donald Trump who was John Miller's spokesman?? All we know is both of them sure sounded like Donald Trump.

   Donald Trump had a fake spokesman 25 years ago, perhaps he'll have a fake cabinet after being elected President.

   Firetrucks & ambulances would be much more effective if they were to replace that annoying siren with the song "Move" by Ludacris!

   Laughter is always the best medicine... unless you have diarrhea.

   A fun thing to do today when we leave the Zoo, will be to start frantically running and yelling "OMG they've all escaped!"

   “Try to fathom the hypocrisy of a Government that requires every citizen to prove they are insured... but not prove they are a citizen.”

   Had Chinese Food last night & my fortune cookie read, "Be not afraid to walk through the door of opportunity"; so I left the restaurant without paying.

   Excuse me miss, you've got a little bit of face on your makeup.

   Banana peel, coffee grounds, pizza crust, beer bottles, empty tins, paper plates, sales papers. Don't mind me I'm just talking trash.

   "The Army is releasing Osama bin Laden documents including his final words, 'Who in the hell is knocking on my door at this hour?'

   "I just read about a new 24-hour day care that's opening in India. Yeah, it's pretty cute, instead of playing telephone, the kids just play tech support.

   Yesterday at the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History Security was all over the area... They patted me up and down a couple of times... They frisked me, I was even groped. Then I got back in line.

   I called 411 and asked the operator ''I'd like the number for Larry Smith in Silver Spring, Maryland. ''There are multiple listings for Larry Smith, Do you have a street name?'' I hesitated ''Well, uh some people call me Snake."''

   My buddy sent me half a bottle of his Viagra Pills... not for me, but for my car.... every time I fill my car up with gas, I put one in and it makes my gas gauge stay up longer.