Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There was this woman who always juxtaposed the letters in LMAO whenever I told a joke. She'd put LAMO. I tired to correct her. She said, "No, your jokes are lame."

   Memo to self: Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've Gone Commando in your life.

   250,000 Union Soldiers died to end slavery in the United States ..... They were the first and genuine Black Lives Matter movement.

   Heck, Who wants to look at Melania Trump as First Lady of the United States when we could have the Screechers wife Bill Clinton as the First Lady.

   I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.

   FYI ... In 08 President Obama's "Just Words" speech was slammed for using the exact phrase from Mass. Gov Deval Patrick. Vice President Biden responded to the allegations by saying "Everybody does it!"

   Claiming a product promotes "Weight Loss" when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming that it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.

   I live in a Madhouse run by a tiny army that I made myself.

   "I am a proud independent black woman." - Melania Trump

   I jist wants ma monies froms da guberments and not gets shot at whiles I be doin bidness

   I just met Melania two speech writers... Mr. Copy and Mrs.Paste.

   In Melania's defence, in her country it is considered a compliment to plagiarize a speech from the previous First Lady.

   Pikachu? Come to my backyard and get a Glockatchu!

   Hey africans, we know yous dont have legal vehicles or jobs to go to but please refrain from dancing in the road and blocking traffic

   FOX Interviewer: Your wife is absolutely stunning for 46 Trump: SHE'S 46??*immediately suspends presidential campaign & logs onto Tinder*

   Planet Earth or as other worlds like to call it, The Planet of Idiots.

   Knew something was up when Melania Trump started talking about the challenges of raising two daughters, Sasha and Malia.

   I hear tomorrow, Trump is going to plagiarize the Gettysburg address.

   On a deteriorative scale, my liver is somewhere between Ozzy Osbourne and Charlie Sheen.

   It’s easier to come out of the closet than it is to say you like Trump.