Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

   Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.

   The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.

   Start every phone call with "Hey, my phone is about to die...". That way you can hang up on tem any time.

   It’s sad that having real ingredients in food products is a selling point.

   A word to the wise isn’t necessary, it’s the dumb ones that need the advice.

   When I find myself in times of trouble, Julie Andrews comes to me, singing words of wisdom, do re mi.

   Dumped a pack of M&M’s in my mask and I’m slowly eating them like a horse.

   The older I get, the less “life in prison” is a deterrent.

   Finally got 8 hours of sleep, it only took 3 days or whatever.

   Dear plexiglass, thank you for protecting me from the cashier who just touched everything I’m taking home.

   That’s supposed to be a high five emoji, not praying hands. People out here dying and you’re high fiving.

   As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I’m sure of, it will be misspelled and without punctuation.

   Social media has made too many of you comfortable with disrespecting people and not getting punched in the mouth for it.

   Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.

   I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

   Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

   Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

   party idea: “DUI or IUD?” you can only invite people who have one or both and you CAN’T divulge which

   HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN