Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Honestly in 56 years, I've never seen anyone fall because of a banana peel.

   The problem with this generation boils down to: Their cartoons suck.

   Fourth of July coming up in a few weeks. The big concern is illegal fireworks. But enough about North Korea.

   Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

   ’m not an alcoholic. I’m soberphobic.

   7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks last year.. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse this year...

   I saw a sign today at Bob Evans that almost made me pee myself. It said: "Bathrooms closed."

   It’s so hot down in Washington D.C. yesterday that President Obama was fanning himself with his birth certificate..

   There I was just standing there minding my own business when some jerk behind me screams for me to drop my weapon and put my hands on top of my head ..... Some people really have a lot of nerve.

   For all of you people making fun of Republicans out there, Just think .. almost half of the people out there vote Republican and there are more out there than you think, One or two might be staring at you right now while you are staring at ur stupid phon

   ... They should remake "Back to the Future." This time have no flying cars and just have everybody standing around staring at their phones and getting offended at everything.

   i don't hate anyone, I have just lost all respect for the person who cant understand me at any point of time after doin evrythn 4 them

   I wonder what our parents did for fun before the internet.. I asked my 16 brothers and sisters, but none of them know .. weird !

   If she spits on it first, you better get ready for the night of your life!

   My ex called to say that she hates me and wished I was dead, also to ask if I needed anything from the liquor store.

   ..... Well, that didn't solve anything .... Guess I'll just go out and get hammered.

   Some of these fools use money to attract women but then turn around and call those women gold-diggers. Its common knowledge that when you go fishing, you catch fish not a zebra.

   [enter new password] *CVSReceipt* [password too long]

   FRIEND: What is that smell?.. ME: My new Axe spray. Earl Grey Tea, and Yorkshire Pudding.... Friend: *gag* why?... ME: Chicks dig English Axe scents.

   Not to brag but I finished up my 30 day diet plan in just 4 days.