Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish I was cool enough to post pictures of my food on Facebook

   I would say "I hope your well", but that would be a lie

   Juice Cleanse Update: I just ate my cat.

   it normal to be out of breath when eating a Burrito Supreme?

   What happens in the woods stays in the woods, so always keeps a shovel handy.

   Like any great man Tony Danza never said who the boss actually was. He left it up to the viewer to decide.

   In a hotel with thin walls and heard a girl in the next room say "It's better without protection". She must've fired her body guard or something...

   I picture Trump as president constantly logging into the White House twitter account and retweeting all the tweets from his account.

   You blast George Michael's "I Want Your Sex" from your car in front of a local Sorority House that one time and suddenly you're "that guy".

   Not to brag or anything but once in 2005 for about three months I was the top friend for three different people on MySpace.

   Just bought Gawker for a roll of breath mints and two old copies of National Enquirer.

   Applied at UPS to be a delivery person. I told them I'm used to driving around in a car with no doors.

   Vaseline or Neosporin? I need to make a rash decision.

   I wanna complain but I want it to sound hilarious

   The problem with this generation boils down to the fact that their cartoons suck. And just knowing this is half the battle of Grayskull.

   This baby monitor doesn't have a snooze button...

   Some 28,000 Terrorist Attacks Worldwide since 9/11 And somehow it's all because we don't have enough gun control in the US!

   I swear, If haters saw me walk on water they would yell out that it was because I didn't know how to swim.

   If you're feeling down, I can feel you up.

   Really worried about how much I'm going to get hit on at the pool this summer now that plus-size is considered sexy.