Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pro Tip: Hula Hoops were once banned in Japan for causing "obscene movements".

   Dying by a 'terrible accident' is the nicest way of saying 'sneezed while doing blow off a switchblade, in the back of a van'.

   Let my Tinder dates know I'm a bad boy by showing them the comments teachers left on my school reports.

   If you eat a dozen donuts quickly enough you can feel your soul hug you.

   Kids today are socially awkward because of their phones. I don't need a phone for that...I have all organic, farm fresh, free range anxiety.

   My Dad: People overcome adversity all the time son... Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

   *points to wrist* this is my Fitbit. *points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

   I got a Go Fund Me Account so I can afford Avocado on all my sandwiches

   Hey, law enforcement. Arrest and question every black guy with dreads. I have a hunch.

   If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ? The dog, of course; He'll shut up once you let him in.

   So .... The DNC Chairiwoman "Debbie Wasserman Schultz" was forced to resign over PROOF of Corruption .... And is IMMEDIATELY Hired by the Hillary Clinton campaign ...... That kinda tells ya something about Hillary doesn't it!!!!

   The Democrat National Convention is going to be so interesting that Black Lives Matter memboers are even going to stop shooting Cops to watch it.

   Heck ... Getting into the DNC computers was easy enough for hackers .... Just think how easy it was for them to get into Hillary’s Private/Government server full of National Classified secrets and information that wasn’t even protected by a password

   So drunk last night. When I walked across the dance floor to get another drink I won the dance competition.

   A porno so low budget, all you hear is someone stirring Mac and cheese.

   Go fund me = internet panhandling

   Two stuffed dogs at the Antiques Roadshow..."Ooh," Said the appraiser, "This is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they'd fetch if they were in good condition?"....Duh? "Sticks"

   Girl on the bus keeps looking at my crocs. This is how sex starts. Watch and learn virgins.

   Always the bridesmaid never The Batman.

   Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.