Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Career, dreams, meaningful relationships. Pick any two.

   Now it's too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.

   Lonely? Stand at the bottom of an escalator and high five the people coming off. If they refuse, yell, "Are you too lazy for that too?'

   Possible names for Vegas new NHL team: Aces, Chips, Spades, Cards, High Rollers, Lights, Gamblers, Tourists, Sinners, and Dead Prostitutes.

   I just put on a fitted sheet on my bed and didn't mess up. I'm entitled to a trophy

   My last loving relationship involved a spare electrical outlet at an airport departure gate.

   Night clubs during the day is now one of my anxiety triggers....

   Am I the only one who thinks it's crazy Angry Birds got a movie before Zelda or Halo?

   45 years ago today men walked on the moon. Meanwhile, I just ate a donut out of the trash.

   "Braindead" is a new show on CBS about Aliens who invade the U.S. Capitol then seek to eat the minds of our leaders in order to inhabit their bodies. Those poor Aliens. They're going to starve if they're trying to find brains in Washington DC.

   ... So ... I cheated on my diet for ONE day and gained fifty pounds .... WTF?

   Next time you feel like running around naked, please spray yourself with windex...it prevents streaking.

   ..... Politicians ..... Proof that crime does pay! OK ... Throw in Lawyers too.

   Therapy In 4 Words: Great bourbon, fluffy kittens.

   Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.

   Failed Summer Camp Slogans: Funeral Camp, You'll Dig It Here.

   Wreird AirBNB Listing: Stay for FREE in 3 room luxurous home. However if owners return unexpectedly please vacate immediately.

   Perhaps Daniel Craig's Successor as James Bond should be a disabled woman.

   Still surprised there isn't a 21st century version of the board game "Sorry" called "It's Somebody Else's Mistake".

   Trump University's Most Popular Majors: 1) Lying. 2) Cheating. 3) Stealing.