Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thinking it's definitely a case of the tail wagging the dog here.

   Soimeone tossed me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit. I threw a trash can over it til it was dead....

   FYI: "I just watched the new Snooki music video" is not a valid excuse to call in sick.

   I just can't get into Pokemon so why don't we make a Sweet Valley High Go game where I can collect dreamy dates.

   Whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around the city committing crimes.

   Annoy the Star Wars fan in your life by constantly referring to the force as "nerd magic."

   Had to check my bank account before I could smoke another cigarette.

   My vegetable garden is not doing very well this summer according to this cease and desist letter I received from the city.

   In order to enjoy porn, I have to forget everything I know about disease pathology.

   I can hear my girlfriend telling me not to touch her from work.

   Siri, bring me a delicious cheesecake and tell my food journal to log it as a veggie burger.

   Thinking about being the President. But my wife, Melania, said she wouldn't want to move into a much smaller house.

   When I was born, the doctor said to my mother: "Congratulations!!! You have an eight-pound ham."

   Miss Cleo has died, but if you act now, you can attend her funeral for only $2.99 a minute.

   It's sad when I'm too lazy to wash my car. That means I'm too lazy to play on my phone while my car sits on a conveyor belt.

   Those open borders seem to be working really well for Europe.

   When they legalize weed you should consider investing in pizza shops.

   How do you get Americans to exercise their right to vote when you can't even get them to exercise?

   Say what you want about Bernie Sanders, I always wonder if he is related to KFC's Colonel Sanders?

   Canada is like a really nice apartment above a meth lab .