Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not the heat. It's the humidity......and the morons.

   There's a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It's like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn't say why.

   The young neighbors next door do things like water the lawn and plant flowers. I remember when I had hopes and dreams.

   A break up is bad when you have to point to a chalk outline.

   It surely can't be a coincidence that Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog share the same middle name.

   94% sure that the band Live still holds the record for singing about placenta in the opening of a song.

   If you want help moving I can only assume you're not an adult. Adults hire movers.

   Really hate to lose my Ashley Madison password. It's not like I can just ask my wife to help me find it.

   Trump DOES NOT HAVE THE ANSWERS, BUT the wall is a good F_ing start.

   A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business".

   I don't know what bothers me most...Hillary's pantsuits, her voice, or that her d*ck is bigger than my boyfriend's.

   The reason for this massive heat wave in the States is that we have two of Satans biggest spawns running for president.

   Bill Clinton also woke up in a White House built by sl@ves. Okay, Monica didn't actually build it nor was she a sl@ve, well sorta...

   The more I interact with humans, the more I hate humans.

   Did you know that babies lose very little weight in jogging strollers.

   Interior designers say your home should have a theme. Mine is toys on the floor of every room, paired with piles of laundry as focal points.

   All my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

   My least favorite animal is the one that’s attacking me.

   Can you get financial aid for dating?

   My credit score has a McDonald's application stapled to it.