Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nobody on Instagram wants to see your text messages.

   I want a man cave, but for women. Still stocked in video games, booze, license plates, and awesome stuff on the wall but with a scented candle.

   Last date I had she got KFC grease on my car seats.

   On a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

   I'm still waiting for the ability to call the car in front of me & tell the driver to pull her head out of his ass... Where are we on this technology?

   Me At Job Interview: "And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?"

   I'll see you and your popcorn ceiling in Hell!!!

   If the moon is made of cheese why aren't stars made of crackers?

   Lindsay Lohan already registered her unborn baby in AA.

   Sesame Street fired 3 of its human actors. Don't say Donald Trump didn't warn us about good American jobs going to Muppets.

   Bill O'Reilly has a good point. I mean, without slavery, some of those people could have ended working for a monster like Bill O'Reilly.

   Reagan's shooter, John Hinckley Jr., to be released, I assume it's just in case Trump gets elected.

   It would be nice if Mexicans took some initiative and MadeMexicoGreatAgain

   It's not the heat, it's the humidity...That's just dumb, and it shows your stupidity!

   Having fun driving the OCD girls on FB crazy who poke back in a nano second and will keep doing it till I stop.

   Im must not be a very good dancer. The last time I was dancing, someone jabbed me with an EpiPen

   My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs... I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.

   Thinking it's definitely a case of the tail wagging the dog here.

   Soimeone tossed me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit. I threw a trash can over it til it was dead....

   FYI: "I just watched the new Snooki music video" is not a valid excuse to call in sick.