Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every gift from a child is special. Except for this, pine cone #763. I could really do without that.

   My Facebook account is dedicated exclusively to cow facts and food-driven erotica now.

   It's really awkward when you receive a friend request on Facebook from someone you are already friends with. They say they are hacked, but you like the hacker more then you like them.

   Some are mad Bradley Cooper went to DNC after portraying Chris Kyle. I get it, I'm still furious Johnny Depp doesn't travel via pirate ship.

   Stop roasting adults and kids from the 1990's playing Pokemon Go when you are the one who uses Snapchat to turn yourself into a dog.

   Instead of 'President' , I think Barack would have been way better in the role of 'The Wiz'

   If you pour two beers in one glass, it's just one beer.

   When I die, it will most likely be of embarrassment

   Friendship Levels: BFF -- Would die for you! Friend -- Helps you move. Acquaintance -- Says hi. Facebook Friend -- Watches you fail from a distance.

   Do most people on Twitter use their real pictures?!?! Heck, I'm watching a cabbage argue about atheism with a cat.

   I'm 31 years old. I just walked into a telephone pole playing Pokemon Go. My life turned out pretty much exactly like I expected.

   To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

   In case you wondered what it's like being married with kids, I just told my wife, "You bathe the baby. I'll scrub the poop off the walls."

   The Stages Of Eating Pizza: 1) I ate way too much. 2) This hurts. Why am I still eating? 3) One more bite & I’ll die. 4) Just 3 more slices....

   Vacation Photos 1995: "That's where we watched a breathtaking sunset over the Grand Canyon." Vacation Photos Now: "That's where we caught Pikachu."

   Had to stop the baby from eating garbage four times today, yet she won't touch her baby food. I guess that settles the taste test.

   First Night Of Vacation: 3 kids woke up crying, 1 kid peed through her clothes, my wife threw up....so it's going better than last year.

   Overheard this guy say "I can skin a deer in 20 min, but I still can't hula hoop." Not sure why he thinks those skills would be transferable....

   If not for anything else I'm surprised my future self hasn't come back in time to furiously shake his head at me.

   North Korea declares war against US. What did Seth Rogen and James Franco do this time?