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If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
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06-18-2016 08:20
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I’m opening a bar called The Office. (You’re welcome guys.) “Be home soon sweetie, I’m at The Office”
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06-18-2016 08:20
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Last night the White House staff played softball against a team made up of marijuana lobbyists. Which explains why there were 20 hits BEFORE the game even started.
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06-18-2016 08:19
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Answering the phone with a blast from an air horn sure has decreased the number of unwanted incoming calls considerably.
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06-18-2016 08:19
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YEAH!!!!! FIRST DAY OF SUMMER IS ALMOST HERE!!!!! when do the kids go back to school??
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06-18-2016 08:18
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They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.
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06-18-2016 08:17
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I refuse to jump on the ‘I hate Mondays’ bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally..
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06-18-2016 08:13
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Toast, and Bacon and eggs all walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”
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06-18-2016 08:12
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Recipes are like a dating service. They never end up looking like the picture.
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06-18-2016 08:12
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I see myself as one day being an old man in an assisted living facility crushing my pill cups with my bare hands to impress the nurses.
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06-18-2016 08:10
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I’m going to change my name to Benny Fitz…so when people add me on Facebook, it will say;..You are now friends with Benny Fitz.
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06-18-2016 08:09
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Quote of the year: If you think life is unfair, you’re not gonna be too thrilled about death.
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06-18-2016 08:08
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Ear hair is God’s way of telling you it’s time to buy a sports car.
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06-18-2016 08:06
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I don’t mind running into debt. It’s running into my creditors that’s embarrassing.
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06-18-2016 08:05
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Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
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06-18-2016 08:05
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They should make Jack Daniels chap stick.
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06-18-2016 08:05
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Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses around.
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06-18-2016 08:02
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You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
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06-18-2016 08:02
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I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
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06-18-2016 08:01
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Not now. I'm busy on ebay. Making the most of my 'me' time.
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06-18-2016 06:49
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