Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cracker Barrel commercials brag about their mac and cheese because everything else sucks.

   You can tell how rich someone is from their reaction when you tell them you had cheese toast for dinner.

   Preparing for old age by sitting on a bench watching construction workers lay cement. This will be my joy one day.

   Hey automatic flushing toilets, I decide when I'm finished.

   MTV's show Pimp My Ride was just propaganda for everyone to get tweed seats.

   Regardless of what you believe I think we can all agree that God is real and you're a Christian.

   Couples who smoke cigs together is like so Romeo & Juliet.

   A recent study shows that alcohol is a direct cause of 7 forms of cancer. And after hearing this bad news, I could really use a drink or two.

   They don't warn of how powerful and invincible you feel wearing a rain poncho.

   Gang Initiation: Eat tortilla chips when you have a cut on the roof of your mouth.

   As an adult male, I should have taken women's multivitamins as a boy to mature faster.

   Saw a woman pushing her dressed up cat in a stroller. When are we going to take mental health seriously in this country?

   Gum without the commitment: Mentos.

   People think I'm a good guy but I used to have a Jar Jar Binks poster.

   Brazil tie with South Africa 0-0 in soccer at Rio Olympics. Not to worry, though: EVERYONE goes home with a free Zika virus.

   Ladies you know what tonight is...Olympics and Chill?

   Man who punched George Zimmerman in the face charged with being awesome.

   It's OK Adobe Flash, I'm always outdated too.

   According to WebMD, MedicineNet, Healthline, Mayo Clinic, Symptom Checker, NetDoctor, MedlinePlus, Johns Hopkins and InfoMedNet, I'm OCD.

   ... The Iranians say it was Ransom, One of the Hostages says it was Ransom,... But the guy that went on TV 57 times and said "You can keep your Doctor" .... Says it was a coincidence.