Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pro Tip: Punching the air is the quickest way to dry your hands and the best way to keep ghosts from humping you.

   Forget Klondike, you should see what I'd do for an open bar.

   What amazes me most about bathroom graffiti is the forethought it took to carry a Sharpie.

   The More You Know: Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

   Allowed a stray cat to come in, it's crazy and hates hugs, I'm also 95% sure it's a raccoon.

   Well, set the “Consecutive days gone without spilling food on myself” calendar back to zero. It was good three hour run.

   Love kickboxing and think there should be kick versions of more sports, like kickbowling and kickbadminton.

   50% of my drive time is me fighting the urge to smile and wave at red light cameras.

   Quick question: How many bowls of mac and cheese can you eat during a Skype job interview before you look unprofessional?

   Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

   If my pizza delivery guy isn't blasting Lionel Richie's "Hello" from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

   Sorry my toast at your wedding was just the surgeon generals warning with the word marriage replacing the word smoking.

   Saw a hawk swoop down over the highway and fly off with a snake in his mouth and I can't even switch lanes while eating a Twizzler.

   Every gift from a child is special. Except for this, pine cone #763. I could really do without that.

   My Facebook account is dedicated exclusively to cow facts and food-driven erotica now.

   It's really awkward when you receive a friend request on Facebook from someone you are already friends with. They say they are hacked, but you like the hacker more then you like them.

   Some are mad Bradley Cooper went to DNC after portraying Chris Kyle. I get it, I'm still furious Johnny Depp doesn't travel via pirate ship.

   Stop roasting adults and kids from the 1990's playing Pokemon Go when you are the one who uses Snapchat to turn yourself into a dog.

   Instead of 'President' , I think Barack would have been way better in the role of 'The Wiz'

   If you pour two beers in one glass, it's just one beer.