Funny Status Messages

   If you can't make it down to Rio and want to get the authentic Olympic diving experience, just stick your head in a Porta Potty.

   The joys of a relationship include waiting for them to fall asleep so you can have some me time.

   If you're not my friend, click like then copy and paste this on your timeline. If we're truly friends, do nothing. I'd never insult your intelligence with such a ridiculous command.

   Miss Teen USA Karlie Hay says using racial slurs online was a "careless mistake." And promises to only use them privately from now on.

   I think I just caught Scott Stapp on Pokemon Go.

   Instead of Olympic Gold, Silver or Bronze medals, winners receive copies of a Purple Heart made in China. Losers are fired.

   "Thank God we all have such insanely uninformed political opinions and tons of social media platforms on which to post them." -America

   Just lost 15 pounds which subsequently is how much my hopes and dreams weighed.

   I would like to announce my candidacy for mayor of Facebook.

   Single woman, 29, into parachuting, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.

   Some woman just gave me a hard time for smoking my whole life. She said if I didn't smoke, I could afford a Maserati. I asked her if she ever smoked and she said, "Never." I go, "Where's your Maserati?"

   It isn't Hillary who I can't stand...it's her fans.

   FOUND CAT: Orange tabby found off River rd. yesterday,,, Approximately 8 lbs,,, No collar,,, Tasted like chicken. .. Please call 892-****

   You can only say ''WTF?'' so many times a day until you just decide to start drinking.

   Trump or Hillary? Top socket or bottom socket?

   A woman would always comment LAMO on my posts. I finally said, "It's LMAO." She goes, "No, I mean LAMO, as in, "Your jokes are Lame-o!" (Okay, I made that up but let's face it, my jokes are so dry I have to serve water with them.)

   If I'm ever found dead in the mountains with a pair of hiking sandals on my feet, know that I was murdered & made to wear some dork's shoes.

   The saying "More than one way to skin a cat" Probably came from a Chinese food restaurant owner

   Of course I play volleyball. In fact I’m very good at it. Just give me the damn racket and I show yow you...

   319 million people in the US and somehow after an exhaustive search we ended up with Trump and Hillary! So .... I guess if you want a leader that is full of corruption and deceit you know which one to vote for. Or vote for the other one.