Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only bad thing about my seven figure salary is that it includes a decimal point.

   We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

   To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

   Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

   Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

   We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

   I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

   As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

   If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

   Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

   I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

   Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windshield

   actually don’t have any problems, I only go therapy to brag

   wondering what the weather's like in India. I think I'll call my bank and find out..🙂

   My wife wants the living room walls to be something neutral...I'm painting Switzerland

   The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Four of my neighbors have disappeared.

   New research shows that the average adult forgets three things each day. The most common are Internet passwords, charging cell phones, and . . . something else, I forget.

   Will one of you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I'm making you up.

   Yesterday, Mike heated up his leftover fish in the break room. Today, Mike is missing. Don't be like Mike.

   Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Daffy turns to Elmer and says "Is this whiskey?" Elmer says "Yeth, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!"