sean Funny Status Messages

   The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.

   Once this girl I liked told me I looked like Ted Bundy and I didn't know if I was supposed to ask her out or kill her or what.

   Taking the road less traveled will get you murdered by hitchhikers. Lets be smart, people

   What if they keep the name Redskins, but change the mascot to a potato....

   Love seeing life through the eyes of a child. So I made the nephew a helmet-cam and let him take a spin in the dryer.

   If a Porsche is next to me at a stop light, I'll tell the driver his brake lights are out even when they're not.

   It's easy to be the worst person on Facebook. Just begin your response to someone's status update with, "Actually,"

   Minivans with stick figure families let burglars know exactly how many adults, children, dogs, cats, turtles and fish they'll need to tie up.

   I don't want to brag, but I've been told by no less than 6 women I've ruined their lives.

   Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don't think you're supposed call people that any more."

   Going to war for Syria is like jumping into a swimming pool while you're wearing an expensive suit to save the kid who bullied you.

   I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening.

   I don't sign anything without pretending to read it first.

   Sorry but if your dog is small enough to be carried away by a falcon then it shouldn't be called a dog.

   It takes all of my self control for me not to write, "you sure about that?" under Facebook engagement announcements.

   Scavenger hunt time! Find a parent in Walmart who looks happy to be a parent.

   Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.

   Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don't really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don't really mean it.

   I dont understand....if you're not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass

   A marriage is like a deck of cards. In the begining all you need is a diamond and a heart, by the end you wish you had a F'n club and a spade