Snotty Funny Status Messages

   f I ever invented time travel, I'd probably just keep going back to that time I got 7 chicken nuggets instead of 6.

   If I give you a card for any occasion know that there is a 97% chance I bought it 30 minutes before I gave it to you & then signed it while parked in your driveway.

   Welcome to parenting.... Hope you like ketchup.

   Me: Wow that was a lot of pancakes. Time to go though!..... IHOP Manager: *locks doors* I don't think you understand "never ending pancakes" sir.

   me: "I WISH I NEVER HAD TO SEE ANOTHER FACEBOOK POST ABOUT THE ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE!!"......... election: WATCH THIS

   Opening Ceremony was great. During the plethora of commercials, I've cleaned the house, had a bath, and learned to play the accordion.

   I don't get what the big deal is: the entire Republican platform is plagiarized from my uncle's drunken Thanksgiving rants.

   If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats... Then go look at Facebook for about 5 minutes.

   FOUND CAT: Orange tabby found off River rd. yesterday,,, Approximately 8 lbs,,, No collar,,, Tasted like chicken. .. Please call 892-****

   My autocorrect just changed "hiatus" to "hi anus" on this email subject line to my boss, so I guess I don't work here anymore.

   When I talk to myself,,, it's probably medically classified as Tourette's.

   It used to be only captured criminals covered their faces with their jackets... Now it's people telling pollsters how they're going to vote.

   Remember,,, When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another.... Because kids.

   I made food for my son, set it in front of him like he was going to eat it and then we just laughed and laughed.

   I'm beginning to think that this election scenario has turned into our own version of the "Kobayashi Maru"

   Sure,,, Trump may be unhinged now,,,, but maybe he'll calm down once he becomes the most powerful person in the world

   How high can Mexicans climb?,,,,,,,,,#TrumpsGoogleHistory

   I'm a nervous wreck about this election, because I'm too rude to live in Canada

   *the year 2050,,,,,, "Grandpa, how did Trump ever get elected? ".... Well, we were a bit distracted, That was the year that adult coloring books came out

   I think Trump is actually turned himself into the Human form or "clickbait"