Huck Funny Status Messages

   Long story short, I love summaries

   The jerk store called. Instead of texting. Typical

   For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I'm on a 'secure line'

   We live in a society that's the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.

   Let's have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.

   Facebook is the perfect tool for keeping in touch with people that you lost touch with for very good reasons.

   Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: 'last warning, you have a week to get the money together.'

   Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don't know. Inspirational statuses are hard

   Confuse people who bring hotel breakfast to you in bed by exclaiming, "You shouldn't have! Did the children help?"

   If you’re having a bad day go ask a two-year-old to say Sasquatch

   It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.

   A bed designed like a toaster: it just launches your unwilling body out when the alarm goes.

   Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...

   I'm not saying I believe in the zombie apocalypse. I'm just saying Walmart.

   I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like "awesome"

   Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you

   FACT: Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.

   People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just being ambidextrous.

   I read "Do not believe everything you read." Now I'm not sure whether to believe this or not.

   Man this is a tough supermarket. Sign above the register says "12 items or else".