Aaron Funny Status Messages

   The first thing I do when someone introduces themselves to me is forget what their name is.

   Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.

   My life coach advised me to run out the clock.

   You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.

   People think I'm sleeping in this tent to see that stupid Twilight movie, I'm just first in line for Black Friday.

   I eat my cereal with a knife.

   That tandem horse costume would look a lot better on my bedroom floor.

   Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.

   Don't ever question my loyalty because you'll scare it away forever.

   When I was at the gym again this morning, I thought to myself "How can I subtly tell everyone that I always go to the gym?"

   I don't like mornings because that's when old people are the strongest.

   I only like games where the winner gets their stomach pumped at the hospital

   I bet an air freshener that smells like stale cigarette smoke would last forever.

   My dentist just told me I have 6 months to live.

   Stop the world, I want to get off!

   My first crush was in kindergarten. I knew it was doomed when she colored neatly and perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile.

   I dream of a world where even lactose is tolerated by everyone.

   call-in sick every morning to somewhere you don't work

   I'm allergic to tequila, I break out in handcuffs.

   I'm sick of having to pick up women's jaws after I walk into rooms.