Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   never done absentee ballot voting before. Do I mail all 7 back at one time or space them out?

   I don't know whose manager needs to hear this but pizza is not a bonus.

   I just want someone to take me out already. Whether that be on a date or with a shotgun, it's entirely up to you - I'm up for it.

   Some people need to forget about the fountain of youth and start looking for the fountain of common sense!

   Friday night

   I do what my guitar tells me to do. 🤟

   busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

   Mike who cheese Harry

   Legend says, when you can't sleep at night, it's because you're awake in someone else's dream. So if everyone could stop dreaming about me that'd be great.

   The reason why hurricanes are normally named after women is because when they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car.

   The world is becoming increasingly dumb and I refuse to go along with it.

   If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also walk like Frankenstein and do a backflip into a volcano.

   Your call is very important to us, please hold while we disconnect your call. ~ AT&T

   I wonder if we’ll be getting a photo of the person whose student loan we’re paying off?

   Come on hurricanes, get with the climate change program.

   We're much safer from the climate because we're richer: Climate expert

   "Living well is the best revenge" Me: *googles second best revenge*

   Be the person no one was prepared to deal with.

   When you pee in a pop bottle and give it to someone and say, “ here, try this smello yellow.”

   Crackheads be like.. “I’ll HUFF & I'll PUFF, and Pawn all your STUFF”