Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I meet a woman, I don't care where she works, what she likes to eat, who she's been dating or been married to. I wanna know if we start seeing each other, how long before I no longer have to hold in my f@rts.

   *Whispers "we should run away together" while petting the neighbor's dog*

   The right 1980's power ballad makes everything better.

   My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

   So, if 4 out of 5 people suffer some medical condition, does that mean the other 1 person enjoys it?

   I have a 'Do To' list, it's like a To Do list but filled with malicious intent.

   Some memories hurt. Like that one time I used a plate as a frisbee.

   Don't you hate when you're in bed cuddling yourself and then your hand starts getting frisky when you're not in the mood?

   "What doesn't kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario

   You know you're getting old when the price of tomatoes intrigues you.

   Writing silly jokes here instead of calling my parents to find out how they've been these past 3 months. Am I still in the running for the Child Of The Year award?

   Dinner by candlelight: for her it's romantic, for me it's about shadow puppets.

   You're only as stupid as the idiot you're arguing with....

   I'll never force my child into religion. When the right time comes, I'll explain to him/her the differences, and then he/she can choose between Star Trek and Star Wars.

   It's okay password, I'm insecure too...

   Antibiotics could be considered a performance enhancing drug at this year's Olympics.

   Hillary Clinton should be the first f-president. I was going to say female but somebody deleted the 'emale'.

   Trump and Hillary are on the same plane. Plane crashes, who survives? America

   Everyone says they're going to move to Canada if their candidate doesn't win, what the hell is wrong with Mexico?

   Please disregard my one Sharpie eyebrow. There was a gray hair incident I'd rather not speak of.