Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I feel like people I know are just using me for my likes.

   You can catch a lot of flies with honey but you can catch a lot of honey's if you're fly.

   Going to get a facial today... this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

   I only brush the teeth that people can see...which is none, because smiling is a sign of weakness.

   When I start to forget things in old age, I hope it’s the Kardashians and Hot Tub Time Machine 2, not my address or where to pee.

   I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it's Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

   When people hear "Huge Nipples", do they think that includes the areola or just the nipple itself? I'm helping my mom with her Facebook profile.

   All I am saying is if Donald Trump was really a friend of the Gay people, one of them would have fixed his wig and makeup by now.

   Dad Tip #31: Carpeting can help dampen the sound of noisy children. Especially if you roll them up in it.

   Donald Trump's spokesperson, Katrina Pierson, is now comparing him to Walt Disney and Henry Ford. Two of the most famous Nazi sympathizers.

   GOP congressman moves to block Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill, suggests Paula Deen replace her instead.

   To put 1.5 billion dollars into perspective. It's $5 for every person in the US or almost enough to send 2 kids to college.

   Be the Google search results you want your future employer to find.

   Biggest oxymoron ever: Customer service. Biggest lie ever: This call "may" be recorded for "training" purposes.

   My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

   My Dad gave me a set of golf clubs. Hope someone tries to break into my house pretty soon so I can try them out.

   My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

   My cat would like you to know that no dragon has ever attacked me whilst sitting on the toilet. And she plans on keeping it that way.

   BREAKING: After the Cavs won the NBA title, rioters in Cleveland are expected to cause $10 million in improvements.

   So this means that the residents of Cleveland have nothing to complain about, right?