Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   DELTA = Don't Ever Leave The Airport

   If you ever feel useless just know that someone out there is a lifeguard at an Olympic swimming event

   Me: I sure do Love watching the Olympic Girls Volleyball Games because they are So Talented. Wife: Yea Right

   And the Lord said, "I shall take short people and midgets.I shall combine the two. And he created gymnasts and saw that it wasn't so good."

   Only you can prevent bathroom selfies.

   I want a Matthew McConaughey Lincoln commercial mixed with a Wild Turkey commercial where he's just wasted driving around talking to himself.

   Bet the guy who invented hieroglyphics was high at the time.

   Some days I wonder if the movie Good Will Hunting would've been as successful if that guy in the bar didn't like apples.

   Show your partner you're committed to a long term relationship by not supporting them in what they do.

   I'm no athlete in Rio, but I'd still like someone to test my urine. I suspect it's excellent.

   Legally you can add your name to the cast of any IMDB entry as long as you end it with "(uncredited)".

   Always buy flowers when on a date with a vegan. So they have something to eat when I take them to Outback Steakhouse for dinner.

   At this point an all nighter simply means I didn't need to get up to pee in the middle of the night.

   Instead of milk cartons they should put photos of missing people on the backs of smartphones.

   Movie idea: "Suicide Squad 2". They could just film the reaction of people watching part 1.

   According to the women's beach volleyball game I just watched, I don't need Viagra after all. :/

   ..... If stomping on the US Flag is considered Protected Free Speech ..... Well heck ... Then so is stomping on someone who is stomping on the Flag.

   The Donald is gonna have to learn how to Duck.

   n't it strange how so many Media and Journalism Outlets are condemning Wikileaks for doing just what Journalists used to do?

   The guy in the bathroom with me is having trouble getting his pee started because he thinks I'm listening. He's right. I'm listening....