Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon My message in a bottle would simply say 'please fill with vodka' and include a return address.
←Rate | 08-09-2016 02:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Video killed the radio star, and anime killed the Pornhub star, because circle of life.
←Rate | 08-09-2016 02:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm a terrible human because I really can't stand to hear anyone hiccuping, coughing, sniffing or breathing....
←Rate | 08-09-2016 02:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon They need to bring back beatings in schools because I know a few people who need to go back and learn a lesson the hard way.
←Rate | 08-09-2016 02:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In the GPS, I typed "comedy career" as my destination and it took me to the nearest CoinStar.
←Rate | 08-09-2016 01:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Had a nice long talk with my niece about drugs....which ones are the best, who in town sells it, stuff like that.
←Rate | 08-09-2016 01:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Rio 2016 Olympic officials change the name of "Zika" to "Zikachu" and now everyone wants to catch it.
←Rate | 08-09-2016 01:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Donald Trump's Economic Team: 1) His accountant. 2) Random billionaire. 3) Omarosa. 4) Wesley Snipes. 5) Bernie Madoff.
←Rate | 08-09-2016 01:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The best part about the Olympics is pretending I know what half these sports are.
←Rate | 08-09-2016 01:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The Rio 2016 Olympics maintain the Greek tradition of spending way too much money and only working a week every four years.
←Rate | 08-09-2016 01:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Show me on the doll where Mommy got botox.
←Rate | 08-09-2016 01:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hell won't take me because I stopped paying my membership dues in 1998.
←Rate | 08-09-2016 01:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Evan McMullin, Gary Johnson and Jill Stein walk into a bar. No one recognizes them or offers to buy drinks.
←Rate | 08-09-2016 01:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In 1900 the Olympics was opened to women after someone pointed out what they'd be wearing when playing beach vollyball.
←Rate | 08-09-2016 01:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The French gymnast who broke his leg during the Olympics is in good hands, Rio's hospitals have the best leeches and voodoo spells.
←Rate | 08-09-2016 01:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A snake can shed its skin, but it will always be a snake. Remember that before allowing people back into your life.
←Rate | 08-08-2016 22:27 by BEGO Comments (0)  


   messageicon DELTA = Don't Ever Leave The Airport
←Rate | 08-08-2016 19:10 by Jeff W Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you ever feel useless just know that someone out there is a lifeguard at an Olympic swimming event
←Rate | 08-08-2016 17:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me: I sure do Love watching the Olympic Girls Volleyball Games because they are So Talented. Wife: Yea Right
←Rate | 08-08-2016 16:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon And the Lord said, "I shall take short people and midgets.I shall combine the two. And he created gymnasts and saw that it wasn't so good."
←Rate | 08-08-2016 11:43 by Teleking Comments (0)  




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