Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just put a stick figure family on my car so I’d have one place where I look skinny.

   Watching an Olympian biting his gold medal he just won while I bite the wine cork I just pulled out with my teeth.

   Mexico isn't doing too well in the Olympics. Anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already gone to the United States.

   ... Trump has been watching the Olympics to see how high the Mexican Pole Vaulters can go.

   My dog ate out of the garbage, sniffed himself, threw up and fell asleep in the kitchen. Think he's mocking me when I drink.

   People that are voting for Trump because Clinton is a liar are the same type of people that smoke Camels because Marlboros cause cancer.

   Can you please color code your meltdowns so we can keep up?

   Malia Obama smoked pot?! Uh-oh. If she keeps up this behavior, she might wind up becoming president.

   The man in the toilet stall next to me sounds like he’s pushing a car up a hill and not making any headway.

   The government is behind the whole "60 is the new 40" thing so they can raise the retirement age to 92.

   I can’t wait until they come out with Oreo flavored Oreos.

   Sausage Party is expected to break the box office record for R-rated animated movies, which currently stands at $800.

   Now Trump is accusing Obama of being the founder of NSYNC. Which in some ways is even more offensive.

   Hope Solo is my least favorite Star Wars character besides Jar Jar Binks.

   Reminder: You have 50 Facebook events you never said you're interested in today.

   3 Important Events In A Man's Life: 1) Losing his virginity. 2) Getting married. 3) First time he wears a t-shirt in a whirlpool.

   Updated Nursery Rhyme: Mary had a Chevy truck, it was so very slow, and everywhere that Mary went, her truck would need a tow.

   Wife: You realize it's not Guinness Book of Whirl Records... [Me spinning furiously in an office chair]: Says you.

   Rejected Olympic Events: Javelin Catch... Jello Shotput... Border Fencing... Cardboard Boxing... Menstrual Cycling... Salad Tossing... Wrestling Demons...

   I.S.I.S says if America elects Hillary the will donate $2 million to the Clinton Foundation and have Bill speak at their next function for another million.