Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1182 of 6447

The Cub's fired the sound guy for playing "smack my btich up" but kept the guy who actually smacked his btich up!!
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08-15-2016 17:55
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... Hillary Clinton has released her position on Trade....... She will Trade Political Favors for Money.
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08-15-2016 15:03
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There are Pumas wearing shirts with Usain Bolt's likeness on them.
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08-15-2016 14:30 by HotTea
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currently in the county jail trying to explain to the man in uniform that I was playing pokemon, trying to catch a pikachu when he caught me looking in your window.
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08-15-2016 12:40
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Hey parents: I haven't seen one medal awarded at the Olympics for participation.
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08-15-2016 12:31
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It costs you nothing to pay someone a compliment. Be nice to someone today. Kindness is contagious.
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08-15-2016 12:30 by gil
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Did you know that "Go hang a salami, Doc! Note; I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod. I’m a lasagna hog." is a palindrome? You do now.
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08-15-2016 10:17
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My wife : "What's the big deal with Usain Bolt finishing in under 10 seconds? You do that all the time."
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08-15-2016 09:34
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If you can't say something nice, go write a YouTube comment.
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08-15-2016 06:17
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Usain Bolt is the world's fastest man, but if they had a sex olympics my husband would be in the hunt for the title.
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08-14-2016 21:56
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Jesus' Greatest Miracles: 1) Turning water to wine... 2) Raising Lazarus... 3) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
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08-14-2016 21:08 by Snotty
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Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me. Fortunately, my injuries were only super-fish-oil.
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08-14-2016 20:37
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Out of everything Johnny Depp has been accused of, his wearing a crop top jersey in Nightmare on Elm Street has got to be the worst.
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08-14-2016 16:20
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Forgive me for saying this but if you like the Rolling Stones more than the Beatles we can't be friends.
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08-14-2016 16:19
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I'm at the age where an all-nighter takes place over 2 nights.
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08-14-2016 16:18
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At least once a day I pause to remember the fish from the Faith no More video.
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08-14-2016 16:17
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Just put a stick figure family on my car so I’d have one place where I look skinny.
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08-14-2016 16:13
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Watching an Olympian biting his gold medal he just won while I bite the wine cork I just pulled out with my teeth.

Mexico isn't doing too well in the Olympics. Anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already gone to the United States.
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08-14-2016 09:52
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... Trump has been watching the Olympics to see how high the Mexican Pole Vaulters can go.
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08-14-2016 02:40
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