Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i hear "this generation never puts down their phones" a lot and i'm pretty sure it's because most of them are filming a cop shoot somebody

   Do you ever feel like you're in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?

   it just me, or do all the Trumps grin like Cheshire Cats because of their oversized veneers?

   I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

   I stared at the moon for an hour before I realized it was one of my toenail clipping that had stuck to the window.

   Hmmmm .... A University of Pennsylvania/Stanford University study states that Only 9 -15% of people incarcerated in US prisons are Republican ..... Why do I have a feeling some folks are going to be a demand some sort of affirmative action for Prisons

   What's up with all of those Bernie and Hillary for President bumper stickers on the cars at Walmart?

   Had to get rid of my memory foam mattress. It threatened to start talking....

   Just went through the self checkout at Walmart and was named "Employee of the Month"......

   I don't wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

   There was kidnapping at our local school today. The teacher woke him up and told him not to do it again.

   My status updates are now 100% gluten free.

   BTW .... I need a new friend ....... The last one escaped

   Turns out most people find History Boring ..... Which also turns out that is why they keep repeating the same mistakes over and over. (Forgive me folks ... that's an intellectual joke)

   FBI Director James Comey: "probably hacked" .... In other news, ..... Russian universities dominate in 2016 Computer and Server Hacking Competition

   Just found out the Tooth Fairy isn't real!!! ... Dammit ... So much for my retirement plan! BTW ... Is Bernie still running? .... He's my backup plan B. If not ... That lady promising me lotsa free stuff will have to do. She can also print money right?

   I heard they're going to be opening up dentist offices in Walmart. They are even including an express lane for people with 10 teeth or less!

   I think Hillary secretly wanted to go to prison so she could campaigin to all the black democrats

   So the presidential election is between a grandma who can't figure out her email and a grandpa who believes every spam he receives? Great.

   I used to dream of that fairytale kind of love. Now I'll settle for someone who'll gain weight faster than me.