Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Few things are more disconcerting than a damp hand towel.

   Gone with the Wind in 60 Seconds #2FilmsBecome1

   FYI: A swordfish has few predators to worry about in the wild- save for the seldom-seen penfish,,, which is said to "talk alot of smack",, be even mightier than they are.

   If you hate Trump now, think how much you'll like him if Hillary get elected.

   I've time traveled almost an infinite number of times to stop myself from eating too much pizza, but every time,, future me just joins past me in eating it*

   I feel sorry for the robbers who were wrongfully accused by Ryan Lochte. #justiceforharambe

   I know 5 people who are clinically insane , I'm 2 of them

   There was no robbery in Rio??? What do you call $10,800 in restitution for a broken bathroom door and a sign of a sandwich?

   Ryan Lochte is now claiming he was chased by Usain Bolt but managed to get away.

   I didn't even know I liked water polo until I saw the women's uniforms. :P

   If someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.

   I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.

   I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?

   Ryan Lochte and his teammates lied about being robbed in Rio, but let’s see how much damage will be done to their careers.

   All I want is someone to hug me with the same loving ferocity that Danny Trejo hugged Carmen and Juni with in Spy Kids

   You know you're a dude when at least once you've been in the shower and used your washcloth to clean your shower tiles.

   I'd imagine Ryan Lochte's next move will be the backstroke.

   Ryan Lochte is now claiming he was robbed at gunpoint by Brian Williams.

   My dog spins around 3 times before he pees. From the looks of it, someone in that public restroom must've been doing the same thing.

   As if I needed anything else to stress about now I have to worry about kids getting high on something called flakka and chewing my face off.