Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A child in the grocery store wouldn't stop repeating "BUT IT'S NOT FAIR!" so I whispered, "You're gonna do great on Twitter someday."

   "Day drinking"? Listen, kids, when I was young it wasn't called that. We used its full name: "Jesus, Phyllis, it's not even noon."

   Once you're 40, friendships fade; lives move on. Which is good, because you need all that new free time to stare at your neck in the mirror.

   In my dating service, I match two total strangers for a trip to Home Depot. If they end up yelling at each other, they should be married.

   You're an adult. Stop hashtagging full sentences on Facebook.

   It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.

   Ryan Lochte = The Real Swim Shady

   I have NO idea who James Corden is, but I would'nt drive with him.

   Before Marriage, Always Agree On The Big Issues: 1) Money. 2) Faith. 3) Please don't play your Steely Dan records. 4) Kids. 5) No, I'm serious about the Steely Dan.

   Rule #35 Of Cleaning A Fridge: Even if you didn't buy broccoli two months ago, there is two-month-old broccoli in the back.

   Someone described their church as a place to go when they're lost and searching for answers. That's how I feel about the grocery store.

   If I was in a car with James Corden and he turned on the radio, I would open the door and get out while the car was still moving.

   I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: "If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends."

   I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.

   When my first instinct was to swerve into oncoming traffic to avoid hitting a squirrel, I realized I might not be part of God's elite squad.

   Don't get in a relationship with someone before knowing what voices they use around babies and pets.

   Nobody wakes up and thinks, "If I play my cards just right today, by 9:05 PM I'll be eating ice cream straight from the carton with a fork."

   Always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

   Sorry I'm late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.

   Before social media, what did people who desperately crave attention do? Did they have to contribute something of importance to humankind?