Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Drove past a rehab center this morning. I couldn't stop laughing at the sign out front: "Stay Off the Grass".

LAKESTALKER's SMARTASS COMMENT FOR THE DAY: Whoever came up with the phrase, "The freaks come out at night", have clearly never been to Walmart during the day...
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08-23-2016 09:35
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3 years 11 months and 3 weeks before renewing my interest in pole vault
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08-23-2016 06:11
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.... When I was waiting in the examination room for my prostate exam, When I asked the doctor where I should put my pants ... "Over there beside MINE" ... wasn't quite the answer I was expecting.
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08-22-2016 20:09
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Still waiting to be awarded the bronze medal in "Channel Surfing" from the international Olympic committee!!!!...
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08-22-2016 19:03 by Corey c
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I'm neither a glass half full or half empty. I always drink it all.
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08-22-2016 16:49
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KFC Announces The Hillary Special: Two Fat Thighs, Two Small Breasts, One Chicken Neck and a Left Wing.
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08-22-2016 15:55 by Fazzella
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Fun Fact: Ryan Lochte originally took up swimming because his pants were always on fire.
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08-22-2016 14:51
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Please stop using fancy words like "sober " and "family".
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08-22-2016 14:24
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Recording production standards are at an all time high, while 90% of all music is listened to on smart phone speaker that's smaller than a dime, or earbuds which in most cases fall short of real sonic replication.
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08-22-2016 13:23 by Fazzella
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How come they never sing happy birthday in the delivery room
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08-22-2016 13:05
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So last night I'm sitting on the toilet straining and pushing as hard as I can when I hear a "pop" and the lights go out. My wife says to me "Are you ok? I think the power went out..." I respond with "Thank God for that, I thought my eyes had exploded.

If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
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08-22-2016 12:26 by Snotty
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If you've considered robbing Ryan Lochte,,,, now would be the perfect time.
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08-22-2016 12:23 by Snotty
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I once tried to force-feed my oldest son. After a while, my wife said, “Just use a fcuk*ng spoon, You’re not a Jedi.”
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08-22-2016 09:30
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This might as well be CNN or FOX NEWS
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08-22-2016 07:13
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I think I'll feel much better once I beat someone to death.
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08-22-2016 04:59 by Psycho
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.... Hey Hillary supporters, Your here illeagly so you wont be getting a chance to vote..... Well .... Unless she is sooooo Absolutely corrupt .... Then you will!!!!.
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08-21-2016 23:42
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I really dont want to spend the next 4 years picturing Bill and Hillary lying in bed swaping hand jobs
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08-21-2016 22:30
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.... To show how generous Hillary and Bill re ..... Even though they only made $139 Million in income .... They generously donated $1,042,000 to charities! ...... $1,000,000 of which was donated to .... "The Clinton Foundation." Yup ... Very generous!
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08-21-2016 22:24
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