Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1173 of 6447

.... Enjoying music is like eating candy .... The first thing you do is get rid of the Rapper ....
←Rate |
08-24-2016 15:14
Comments (0)

I got a chainsaw in the mail today. Now I have to send saws to five other people.
←Rate |
08-24-2016 14:26 by Fazzella
Comments (0)

I could count the mistakes I’ve made on one hand, if that hand had like a billion fingers.
←Rate |
08-24-2016 14:23 by Fazzella
Comments (0)

"But would a trophy wife do this?", she said as she changed my car oil
←Rate |
08-24-2016 12:45
Comments (0)

..... Still waiting for the Olympic Committee to award me with the Bronze Medal for Bronzing my metal ....
←Rate |
08-24-2016 00:34
Comments (0)

You stopped at a gas station for a pee break? C'mon, Ryan Lochte ,,, you spent 90 percent of your life in a public pool.
←Rate |
08-23-2016 23:09 by Snotty
Comments (0)

If the US admits that Trump's presidential campaign is a hoax,,, then Australia says it'll come clean about the platypus.
←Rate |
08-23-2016 22:51 by Snotty
Comments (0)

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married & live together so I'd have to see them every day.
←Rate |
08-23-2016 22:43 by Snotty
Comments (0)

It's illegal to destroy US currency but my wife just bought a Kia Sportage which is pretty much the same thing.
←Rate |
08-23-2016 22:41 by Snotty
Comments (0)

my boss told me today if their was an award for laziness I would win it,i told him "if I do win it I'm gonna need you to go accept it on my behalf.
←Rate |
08-23-2016 21:46
Comments (0)

Everytime we go out for pizza, calzone and garlic knots, my girl always has to ruin the evening by ordering a salad.
←Rate |
08-23-2016 17:12 by Fazzella
Comments (0)

I try to tell the children that the intertube is NOT just about porn and cursing at strangers in comment sections - it also has a dark side.
←Rate |
08-23-2016 11:54
Comments (0)

It was 25 years ago today that Al Gore invented the intertube. Celebrate this marvelous technical achievement by watching some cat-on-a-treadmill videos.
←Rate |
08-23-2016 11:31
Comments (2)

Drove past a rehab center this morning. I couldn't stop laughing at the sign out front: "Stay Off the Grass".

LAKESTALKER's SMARTASS COMMENT FOR THE DAY: Whoever came up with the phrase, "The freaks come out at night", have clearly never been to Walmart during the day...
←Rate |
08-23-2016 09:35
Comments (0)

3 years 11 months and 3 weeks before renewing my interest in pole vault
←Rate |
08-23-2016 06:11
Comments (0)

.... When I was waiting in the examination room for my prostate exam, When I asked the doctor where I should put my pants ... "Over there beside MINE" ... wasn't quite the answer I was expecting.
←Rate |
08-22-2016 20:09
Comments (0)

Still waiting to be awarded the bronze medal in "Channel Surfing" from the international Olympic committee!!!!...
←Rate |
08-22-2016 19:03 by Corey c
Comments (0)

I'm neither a glass half full or half empty. I always drink it all.
←Rate |
08-22-2016 16:49
Comments (0)

KFC Announces The Hillary Special: Two Fat Thighs, Two Small Breasts, One Chicken Neck and a Left Wing.
←Rate |
08-22-2016 15:55 by Fazzella
Comments (0)