Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1170 of 6446

We don't know if Mary ever made Jesus turn her water into wine because there wasn't social media back then for Moms to talk about wine on.
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08-27-2016 02:10
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I bet the cooks at Applebee's are pretty excited about the new James Harden shoe by Adidas.
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08-27-2016 02:09
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Sorry kids, Mom's too nauseous to do anymore Disney rides today.
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08-27-2016 02:07
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Koalas eat 10x their body weight every day and everyone calls them adorable, but when I do it it's "disgusting" and "ruining our credit."
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08-27-2016 02:06
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Remember the time I blocked every channel except QVC and you were so mad and it was totally worth it because we got a deep fryer?
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08-27-2016 02:04
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Imagine what Star Wars was rated before they censored all of R2-D2's lines.
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08-27-2016 02:02
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My wife bought that Pepperidge Farm bread so I guess this is what it feels like to have disposable income.
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08-27-2016 02:02
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You can do anything you want when you grow up, son, as long as you don't go viral on the internet before daddy.
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08-27-2016 02:01
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I'm gonna light a tire fire on my front lawn & just chant all day & night until my kids start school again so everyone understands my pain.
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08-27-2016 01:59
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Finally got the rest of that Butterfinger out of my teeth that I ate in 2014.
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08-27-2016 01:58
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Sorry I told your kid beehives were nature's honey piñatas.
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08-27-2016 01:58
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My last girlfriend said she wanted a commitment so I made a large purchase on her credit card.
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08-26-2016 23:02
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Ann Coulter only flies Southwest, because "bags fly free".
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08-26-2016 19:42
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I'm never sure how much ball cleavage to show when I wear my Casual Friday Jean Shorts

Cheer up, Ryan Lochte! You might have lost your Speedo sponsorship, but Just For Men is interested in making you their new spokesman.
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08-26-2016 15:39
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Vegan zombies never stop talking about how they only eat vegetarians.
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08-26-2016 15:39
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Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
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08-26-2016 15:29
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Not to be a downer but after being gone for 33 years now I'm starting to suspect that my Dad isn't still out buying cigarettes....
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08-26-2016 15:28
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Carpool Karaoke except they crash and explode into a ball of flames.
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08-26-2016 15:27
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You can sell your left over weight watchers points on ebay.
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08-26-2016 15:26
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