Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Uber lost over a billion dollars in the last six months so they're asking their drivers to check between the seat cushions.

   If your city doesn't have a jazz or classical radio station, chances are your neighbors own lots of guns.

   I bet the same guy who named the fireplace named leftovers.

   Just ate a cheese stick wrapped in salami that I bought from 7-11 but I still feel like I deserve God's love.

   Always hoped to be unwed and financially unstable in my 30s and here I am, killing it.

   Every kid who had a framed Lamborghini poster in his bedroom now works at a vape shop.

   Really want to go on House Hunters and just repeatedly ask, "how many ferret cages you reckon would fit in here?" in every room.

   Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.

   If I was in a position to hire someone and their resume read "I've never attended a political rally", I'd probably give them the job.

   We don't know if Mary ever made Jesus turn her water into wine because there wasn't social media back then for Moms to talk about wine on.

   I bet the cooks at Applebee's are pretty excited about the new James Harden shoe by Adidas.

   Sorry kids, Mom's too nauseous to do anymore Disney rides today.

   Koalas eat 10x their body weight every day and everyone calls them adorable, but when I do it it's "disgusting" and "ruining our credit."

   Remember the time I blocked every channel except QVC and you were so mad and it was totally worth it because we got a deep fryer?

   Imagine what Star Wars was rated before they censored all of R2-D2's lines.

   My wife bought that Pepperidge Farm bread so I guess this is what it feels like to have disposable income.

   You can do anything you want when you grow up, son, as long as you don't go viral on the internet before daddy.

   I'm gonna light a tire fire on my front lawn & just chant all day & night until my kids start school again so everyone understands my pain.

   Finally got the rest of that Butterfinger out of my teeth that I ate in 2014.

   Sorry I told your kid beehives were nature's honey piñatas.