Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Love how Disney movies teach you that you can be anyone you want, as long as it's a princess.

   Never trusted Cinderella because in a world of fairy tales, who uses a broom to clean? She should have used it to fly far far away.

   I'm not judgemental until you call Led Zeppelin old.

   We can’t correct your catastrophic ignorance of The Rockford Files in one sitting. Let’s schedule another session.

   Again Mr Jovi, Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

   I'm just looking for anything that gets me as excited as 10-year-old me when Fonzie made a surprise appearance on Laverne & Shirley.

   I missed the MTV music awards! Who won best music video that MTV will never play?

   You search and search for that nostalgic early 90's reference and then finally whoomp there it is.

   Cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, Little boy blue and the man in the moon, When you coming home, Son?!?! When you stop talking crazy, Dad.

   Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.

   My dentist said I need a crown I was like I know, right?

   Melania's upset. Several news outlets called her a 'former escort'. because the word 'former' implies that she isn't one anymore.

   I was just brushing my teeth and putting on deodorant when out of nowhere I hear "you're gonna have to pay for that"............this walmart sucks!

   Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

   Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills? Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills....

   Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.

   Other parents do back-to-school pics of kids holding signs w/ their grade on it & mine are just a series of selfies w/ me & the bus driver.

   I hate those people who ride your bumper and then start flashing their lights at you. Like, Hey- look at me, I’m driving an ambulance.........

   In hell, your coworker never finishes opening a wrapper.

   I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.