Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |  Oldest  |  Rating


Search Messages:
Page: 1170 of 6446

   messageicon We don't know if Mary ever made Jesus turn her water into wine because there wasn't social media back then for Moms to talk about wine on.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 02:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I bet the cooks at Applebee's are pretty excited about the new James Harden shoe by Adidas.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 02:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sorry kids, Mom's too nauseous to do anymore Disney rides today.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 02:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Koalas eat 10x their body weight every day and everyone calls them adorable, but when I do it it's "disgusting" and "ruining our credit."
←Rate | 08-27-2016 02:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Remember the time I blocked every channel except QVC and you were so mad and it was totally worth it because we got a deep fryer?
←Rate | 08-27-2016 02:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Imagine what Star Wars was rated before they censored all of R2-D2's lines.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 02:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife bought that Pepperidge Farm bread so I guess this is what it feels like to have disposable income.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 02:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You can do anything you want when you grow up, son, as long as you don't go viral on the internet before daddy.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 02:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm gonna light a tire fire on my front lawn & just chant all day & night until my kids start school again so everyone understands my pain.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 01:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Finally got the rest of that Butterfinger out of my teeth that I ate in 2014.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 01:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sorry I told your kid beehives were nature's honey piñatas.
←Rate | 08-27-2016 01:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My last girlfriend said she wanted a commitment so I made a large purchase on her credit card.
←Rate | 08-26-2016 23:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ann Coulter only flies Southwest, because "bags fly free".
←Rate | 08-26-2016 19:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm never sure how much ball cleavage to show when I wear my Casual Friday Jean Shorts
←Rate | 08-26-2016 19:28 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon Cheer up, Ryan Lochte! You might have lost your Speedo sponsorship, but Just For Men is interested in making you their new spokesman.
←Rate | 08-26-2016 15:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Vegan zombies never stop talking about how they only eat vegetarians.
←Rate | 08-26-2016 15:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
←Rate | 08-26-2016 15:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not to be a downer but after being gone for 33 years now I'm starting to suspect that my Dad isn't still out buying cigarettes....
←Rate | 08-26-2016 15:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Carpool Karaoke except they crash and explode into a ball of flames.
←Rate | 08-26-2016 15:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You can sell your left over weight watchers points on ebay.
←Rate | 08-26-2016 15:26 Comments (0)  




Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Name:
Status Message:

... characters left