Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you know, I just folded a fitted sheet so beautifully an owl just delivered a Hogwarts acceptance letter to my house.

   I hope Tropical Storm Hermine gets upgraded. Only because I think 'Hurricaine Hermine' sounds like a 1950's pro wrestler.

   Just not sure if this is a sign of the apocalypse, but I just saw a tow truck towing a tow truck.

   Dug up a questionable bone in my backyard and re-buried it because ain't no one got time for an investigation.

   Donald Trump says he didn't discuss Mexico paying for the wall with President Nieto because he thought he was the janitor.

   If Trump wins, I'm going to open a florist shop near the Mexican border. And yes, I will call the shop "Wallflowers."

   The only thing worse than Penn State honoring Joe Paterno before the Temple game would be if Temple honored Bill Cosby.

   Sometimes Jesus counts unlimited breadsticks, as one of His miracles.

   I clicked on a link and it said "Attachment Unavailable". That's dating in a nutshell.

   Always spike my coffee from a hidden flask that contains more coffee.

   Most Mexicans affectionately refer to Donald Trump as "El Piñata."

   Most people don't realize the phrase "I could eat a horse" came from Dolph Lundgren after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

   "We need to talk about your son. The only questions he got correct on the test were about the Kardashians." -Middle/High school teachers everywhere

   Those credit card companies are pretty tricky hiding the security code on the back of the card.

   Notes From The Teacher: Please have little Johnny practice the phrase, "Paper or plastic?"

   If we all pretend to not see or hear Donald Trump, I bet he'd just go away. After all, his narcissism is based on attention.

   Call me crazy, but I'd rather see a taco truck on every corner than an anti-choice bigot on every Supreme Court seat.

   Threatening Americans by saying there'll be "a taco truck on every corner" is like threatening The Kardashians' with more magazine covers.

   I've reached that age where scratching my b@lls has become both an art and a science. Actually, it's a finely tuned combination of both a taffy pull and a game of hot potato.

   FOX News has the most embarrasing moments on TV EVER! Every time you think they're done embarresing themselves - WOW!