Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yes Comrade,, In America, No one owns a smartphone, the smartphone owns you.

   [Ship Sinking] Captain:We're short on boats, so women & children first... *Guy rubs chin *coughs* I identify as a woman.... Men echo:I'm a woman too!

   Traitor Joe: Hmmm,, how can I regain people's trust AND sell groceries at the same time?

   GOOD DAY SIR !!!... And thank you for the "World of pure imagination"... r.i.p.

   rip willy wonka

   Why do I do this?... Cuz,, Laughter is an instant vacation

   It's not that hard to figure out a woman.,, just leave her alone when she wants you to,,, Woah woah woah, not that much..... Ok, now she's mad

   Budweiser changing its name to "America" is a really creative way of telling employees they're moving the brewery to China.

   Immediately recognized a porn star wearing a hat and no makeup at the gym today for anyone wondering if I've had sex this year.

   A 6-year old just shook her head at me in disgust as I stole Splenda from Starbucks. Everyone have a great week and keep chasing your dreams.

   I hope Hillary can unite our country and bring dignity back to....oh, never mind.

   Ex-Congressman Weiner embroiled in new sexting scandal. Weiner at it again.

   Finally joined Tinder 'cause I've always wanted to date a white girl named Jazz.

   Thanks Nerds for reminding me its "Doctor", not "Dr" Who; also, I probably made out with your sister at a Motley Crue concert, so shut up!!!

   Miss the old Big Mac styrofoam containers, they made the best coffins for hamsters.

   Life Update: There are more empty Slurpee cups in my apartment than books.

   "Bartender, I'd like to buy that table of women debating their favorite season of The Bachelor a round of kittens"

   Johnny Depp is like that cool guy you looked up to in high school until you went over to his house and saw his night light.

   Did you know, The Peoples Court theme was plagiarized from the threesome scene in the 70's porn film Debbie Does Dallas.

   Tim Kaine seems like he starts decorating his house for Halloween in August.