Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   America should have its own moon.

   I'm experiencing heavy call volumes. Please hang up and never call me again.

   The NFL is becoming about American as beating a pinata

   TSA: Sir, you can't bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight... Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

   Listen,,, If you're not writing letters to random male prisoners,, you're really not "trying everything" to find a man.

   The only thing more creepy than getting poked by your cousin on facebook, is when you and that cousin are both males.

   Jimmy Fallon is boring.

   Charlie Bucket: It's about time, Wilder. Now do I get the factory?

   Which room did Willy wonka get sent too??

   I think Willy wonka choked on an everlasting gobstopper

   My wife is so high-maintenance that even the bags under her eyes are Prada.

   RIP Gene Wilder, everyone loved Willy Wonka, the only movie most people think you ever did....

   RIP Gene. You made people laugh even when you had no lines to speak. Your face was so expressive.

   someone stole my mood ring....and I'm just not sure how I feel about that

   We are on the verge of cloning people but can't figure out how to harvest pumpkins year round for pumpkin spice.

   I'm going to eat a chocolate bar today in memory of Gene Wilder. And tomorrow. And the next day. I actually have been doing this for weeks.

   Yes Comrade,, In America, No one owns a smartphone, the smartphone owns you.

   [Ship Sinking] Captain:We're short on boats, so women & children first... *Guy rubs chin *coughs* I identify as a woman.... Men echo:I'm a woman too!

   Traitor Joe: Hmmm,, how can I regain people's trust AND sell groceries at the same time?

   GOOD DAY SIR !!!... And thank you for the "World of pure imagination"... r.i.p.