Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you have sex with someone who likes to be choked, what's the polite amount of time to wait before initiating CPR?

   A breakaway cop uniform might be a bit tacky but I think I could pull it off.

   Perhaps it's best that Jack went crazy in The Shining because if he took that book to a publisher, boy that would've been embarrassing.

   Should be working but instead thinking how I could smuggle a tennis ball cannon into the Westminster Dog Show.

   No, it isn't Maybelline. It's chocolate pudding.

   Still doubt Bernie Sanders will ever get elected for president in 2016. But his coleslaw and boneless wings get my vote every time.

   Wow, watching the People in the Commercial Rock Climb, Scuba Dive & Live Life to the Fullest ............... makes me Wish I had Genital Herpes too.

   To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn't funny. I just want to live life again.

   Critiquing what local business owners do with their hands on 30 second spots since 1984.

   Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you've got alzheimers.

   America should have its own moon.

   I'm experiencing heavy call volumes. Please hang up and never call me again.

   The NFL is becoming about American as beating a pinata

   TSA: Sir, you can't bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight... Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

   Listen,,, If you're not writing letters to random male prisoners,, you're really not "trying everything" to find a man.

   The only thing more creepy than getting poked by your cousin on facebook, is when you and that cousin are both males.

   Jimmy Fallon is boring.

   Charlie Bucket: It's about time, Wilder. Now do I get the factory?

   Which room did Willy wonka get sent too??

   I think Willy wonka choked on an everlasting gobstopper