Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Other parents do back-to-school pics of kids holding signs w/ their grade on it & mine are just a series of selfies w/ me & the bus driver.

   I hate those people who ride your bumper and then start flashing their lights at you. Like, Hey- look at me, I’m driving an ambulance.........

   In hell, your coworker never finishes opening a wrapper.

   I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

   I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

   Trump is a living embodiment to an erection that lasted more than 4 hours.

   You add me to your mailing list without my permission or knowledge and now I have to go through your 10 step process to unsubscribe myself if I don’t want to continue receiving your spam?

   I felt like the ending of this weeks episode of Trump was kind of boring. Right? I guess the writers are building to something big.

   YOLO is solely responsible for 75% of all teen pregnancies this year.

   Playing dice with squirrels in parks is strictly prohibited.

   Million Dollar Idea: Batting gloves you don't have to adjust and tighten every 30 seconds.

   Love Halloween, seeing all the monsters and the scary imagery. Then I turn off the campaign ads and wait for the trick-or-treaters.

   In 2015 Colorado collected $125 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can't remember where they put it.

   Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

   Just saw a hipster carrying around a phone booth.

   Facebook Memories: Here's you and your ex-boyfriend walking your dead dog! PS- It's from the year your dad left.

   Well well well teddy bear at CVS not looking so smug now that you're 75% off.

   Congratulations Leonardo DiCaprio you are now qualified to do Lincoln Town Car commercials!!!

   Donald Trump said he doesn't trust anyone with a foreign sounding name, and neither does his daughter "Ivanka."

   If evolution were real you'd think my body would've learned how to be drunk on its own by now.