Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was just brushing my teeth and putting on deodorant when out of nowhere I hear "you're gonna have to pay for that"............this walmart sucks!

   Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

   Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills? Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills....

   Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.

   Other parents do back-to-school pics of kids holding signs w/ their grade on it & mine are just a series of selfies w/ me & the bus driver.

   I hate those people who ride your bumper and then start flashing their lights at you. Like, Hey- look at me, I’m driving an ambulance.........

   In hell, your coworker never finishes opening a wrapper.

   I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

   I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

   Trump is a living embodiment to an erection that lasted more than 4 hours.

   You add me to your mailing list without my permission or knowledge and now I have to go through your 10 step process to unsubscribe myself if I don’t want to continue receiving your spam?

   I felt like the ending of this weeks episode of Trump was kind of boring. Right? I guess the writers are building to something big.

   YOLO is solely responsible for 75% of all teen pregnancies this year.

   Playing dice with squirrels in parks is strictly prohibited.

   Million Dollar Idea: Batting gloves you don't have to adjust and tighten every 30 seconds.

   Love Halloween, seeing all the monsters and the scary imagery. Then I turn off the campaign ads and wait for the trick-or-treaters.

   In 2015 Colorado collected $125 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can't remember where they put it.

   Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

   Just saw a hipster carrying around a phone booth.

   Facebook Memories: Here's you and your ex-boyfriend walking your dead dog! PS- It's from the year your dad left.