Funny Status Messages

   Maybe the pipelines are not the most perfect way to turn our country green, but I'm certainly not going to be able to afford those solar panels if I'm paying $4.95 a gallon.

   hillary immitating the twin towers

   "It's not you, it's me." -Twins looking at some family photos.

   The winds of change can blow me.

   Above and beyond? I mostly go below and around.

   I left a restaurant last night because it was too loud... Am I in AARP now?

   North Korean Twitter must be pretty lame...

   Rick Astley called, he changed his mind, he's giving you up.

   The worst thing about staying in a hotel during your vacation is learning the order of the tv channels.

   Gary Johnson is the Discover Card of presidential candidates. You'll use him in a pinch, but you're kind of embarrassed about it.

   Love the samples at Costco, however I think of them more as tapas you have to fight strangers to the death over.

   Slept like a baby last night. Abandoned, outside of a church in the rain.

   Melania Trump homemaker tip: When sorting your laundry, don't forget to separate your deplorables from your coloreds.

   The hardest part of hearing about my wife's work day is trying to recall the lyrics to the Growing Pains theme song.

   Visited a horse farm for the first time in my life yesterday and asked if the place the horses stay is called a neigh-borhood. I need to get out more.

   Wonders if Jay Z ever addressed the 99 other problems he had.

   When one door closes another one opens, in this haunted house I live in....

   Gary Johnson is now claiming he can see Aleppo from Sarah Palin's porch.

   AirBnb improving site. Listings to include questions: "Are you using this apartment/condo/house for a drug-fueled orgy?" "If so, will you pay a $25 cleaning fee?"

   It took a lot of Native Americans to convince the government that water is Good for everyone But the government still wants to wipe them out.