Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   If I were a gynecologist I would name my practice "All Up In Yo Business."

   When someone says “let's go get a cold one,” I always drive to the zoo because I know that's code for “steal a penguin.”

   The "don't talk to me about kids until you have a kid" people are extremely annoying. I don't think I need to produce another human being to know it's problematic to let a 4-year old treat me like his b!tch.

   Today is only my second day as a stay-at-home dad but I'm already confused. Do I get the fake tan or boobs first? And what's a zumba class?

   Nice guys let her finish first, twice.

   I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.

   The definition of being stupid: seeing the truth, knowing the truth, and choosing to still believe the lies... with a smile.

   It's a shame that stupidity can't be converted into a usable energy source.

   Love means sharing your thoughts, your fears, your dreams, your hopes and your french fries.

   That feeling when your ex reappears as a single mother with a child, and you immediately start doing the math.

   Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, a lot of which you really don't want to see.

   This guy's all like "I think you've had enough beers for one night." Then I'm all "Scrw you, fridge. Appliances can't even talk."

   Kharma, what did I do to deserve this?! ...Oh, now I remember. Carry on then.

   I still think everyone on the east coast should have played dead just to scare the crap out of everyone on the west coast.

   At this very moment hundreds of men are using the "It's the end of the world tomorrow" pick-up line.

   I've never fully accepted or mastered many of the key elements of being a grown up.

   Would you be freaked out if I told you that I was updating this from inside your closet?

   The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.

   I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

   I'll never forget the first time we met. Although, I will keep trying. :)