Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   911: Sir, I understand you think it was an aggressive move, and against your will,,, but we can't arrest an auto flush toilet.... Me: BUT I WASN'T READY

   [Kool-Aid Man watching the presidential election].. I dare you to build that wall, you son of a b**

   "It didn't make him stronger" - My gravestone, prolly..

   Gameshow Fact: Every time a girl buys "a D",,, Pat hip-thrusts off camera.

   There is no way Hollywood could remake "The Ring" for millennials,,, because none of them would answer the phone.

   For the next week, out of great love and respect, I'm calling my willy Wonka.

   You know Samsung has a problem when they include a "my phone battery exploded" emoji in their messaging service.

   Gonna write something about All Lives Matter but I suddenly saw Jared Fogle trending again.

   Facebook just changed their relationship status with SpaceX to "it's complicated."

   I live in Los Angeles. We already have Taco Trucks on every corner, and it's wonderful!!!

   Did you know, I just folded a fitted sheet so beautifully an owl just delivered a Hogwarts acceptance letter to my house.

   I hope Tropical Storm Hermine gets upgraded. Only because I think 'Hurricaine Hermine' sounds like a 1950's pro wrestler.

   Just not sure if this is a sign of the apocalypse, but I just saw a tow truck towing a tow truck.

   Dug up a questionable bone in my backyard and re-buried it because ain't no one got time for an investigation.

   Donald Trump says he didn't discuss Mexico paying for the wall with President Nieto because he thought he was the janitor.

   If Trump wins, I'm going to open a florist shop near the Mexican border. And yes, I will call the shop "Wallflowers."

   The only thing worse than Penn State honoring Joe Paterno before the Temple game would be if Temple honored Bill Cosby.

   Sometimes Jesus counts unlimited breadsticks, as one of His miracles.

   I clicked on a link and it said "Attachment Unavailable". That's dating in a nutshell.

   Always spike my coffee from a hidden flask that contains more coffee.