Funny Status Messages

   I trust myself less than I trust bed bugs to do the right thing.

   Your dog, who rolls in carrion, rubs her muzzle in my hair. Oddly, I do not mind this, but am reconsidering my choice of conditioner.

   When I told you to be more spontaneous, I meant combustion.

   Bladderrash Counterhatch in the streets. Benedict Cumberbatch in the sheets. You don't get it? Me neither. I just want him in my sheets.

   Hate when the same commercial plays twice in a row because for a split second I feel like I finally figured out how to go back in time.

   When deaf kids sign curse words, do their parents threaten to wash their hands off with soap?

   If my extension cord ever gets tangled with my ear buds and Christmas lights, I’m really screwed.

   Mexico announces it's found 6 new oil deposits in Gulf of Mexico. Trump now wants to add a huge door to his wall.

   Trump's appearance on Dr. Oz will solely be for publicity and has nothing to do with real medical information. Same as all the other episodes.

   Dr. Oz pledges to avoid questions Trump doesn't want to answer. It's no big deal; it's not like he's a real journalist. Or a real Doctor.

   It turns out Hillary didn't have pneumonia after all. She just downloaded iOS 10.

   Marriage is essentially peeing with the door open and asking "What do you want for dinner?"

   Ok I admit it, perhaps I shouldn't have yelled "WORLDSTARRR!!" when they dunked my niece's head during her baptism.

   Why is Collin Kaepernick so angry? You would be too if God had put pubic hair on top of your head.

   Never try to reason with a person who wants to save every stray animal alive but is fine with killing 3,000 babies a day...

   Pastor Steven Anderson needs so much Botox on his frowning forehead, even his god can't help him.

   Deplorable and Proud. -My new T-Shirt

   I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”

   My wife threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop with the endless flamingo impressions. So I had to put my foot down.

   Donald Trump is starting a petition to stop the sale of pre-shredded cheese. He’s very serious about trying to make the USA grate again.