Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she organizes body parts in her freezer. 
Does shaking the vending machine count as working out?
At show-and-tell, it's the kid with the Weebles who gets the raves. You hide your Perry Como album in the desk and tell Mrs. Yee you forgot.
My wife's celebrity "free pass" is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I'm gonna walk into THAT propeller blade.
Life is like a picnic: there are ants, hornets, bad potato salad, locked public bathrooms when your kid can't hold it, people, spotty cell recep......
I heard Colin kaepernick had a choice between cotton and polyester jerseys and wouldn't you know it 'he picked cotton'
Mexican: "Hey, lets make Mexico Great Again" Other Mexican: "What do you mean 'Again'? ese"
it possible to start the impeachment process before anyone even wins the election?
Guys, I need ur advice .... How many hours should I allow my friend to mourn the loss of his phone before I ask him to give me his charger and earphones? 🌚#Serious
My girlfriend was complaining that I never buy her flowers. I didn’t even know she sold them.
Women are natural born artists …….. From drawing eyebrows to drawing conclusions .
Winnie Mandela is 80 and still looks fresh and beautiful than most of you 20yr old girls.
I show my coffeemaker the same love and affection you show your soul mate. And mine doesn't talk back.
Whenever you think your job sucks, remember; at least you're not the guy at Instagram whose work is to search for and delete all the Nude pics
it just me or does different shoes come with different movement/walk ?
It's great to have pancakes on a special occasion. But I think it might have been better not to put syrup on before I blew out the candles.
If you don't think of Tupac every time you down a Cranapple Snapple, then.... WTF ever, homie.
According to state law, the other people waiting at the DMV are required to have a bad smell.
The Love Boat was my favorite 80's TV show about senior citizens infecting each other with STD's on the open seas.
In hindsight life was better when we could only take 12, 24 or 36 pictures at a time and we paid to print them. Even if doubles WERE free. 