Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I prefer the unfiltered version of a person.

   You can make jokes about anything, just not mexicans. That's crossing the border.

   Chicago is already doing a lot to Make America Great Again

   A heart felt "Thank You" for the birthday wishes Due to sanitary reasons, I will not and cannot accept any money that comes out of bras

   If every day is a gift, I want a refund for the crappy ones.

   Hell nah I’m not clicking on page two of any article online. It’s online. Your stupid story should fit one webpage however long it is.

   I just started a GoFundMe page to buy Michelle Obamas freedom

   Its a shame when BLM cant read their own signs

   Theoretically if China went to the moon and knocked over our flag what would we do about it

   It is a big burden being the only one who can prevent forrest fires.

   A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

   When I die I want my ashes scattered over a Starbucks WiFi router.

   In the future, everyone will have 15 minutes of blame.

   Mother Teresa has been canonized. She's no longer Catholic fan fiction.

   I bet Target never opens stores next to a bow and arrow shop.

   Can you imagine anything more depressing than going to a petting zoo owned by MC Hammer.

   The More You Know: Jesus loved trees not cake, that's why on Dec 25th we have Christmas Trees.

   Apparently 2016 is the year every amusement park ride was set to expire and fall apart mid-ride with people on it.

   I left my dorm with my collar buttoned all the way up and returned with it buttoned four buttons down, YOU tell me how my night was....

   Sad people are fun to hang out with. They always have snacks around.