Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

   When I die I want my ashes scattered over a Starbucks WiFi router.

   In the future, everyone will have 15 minutes of blame.

   Mother Teresa has been canonized. She's no longer Catholic fan fiction.

   I bet Target never opens stores next to a bow and arrow shop.

   Can you imagine anything more depressing than going to a petting zoo owned by MC Hammer.

   The More You Know: Jesus loved trees not cake, that's why on Dec 25th we have Christmas Trees.

   Apparently 2016 is the year every amusement park ride was set to expire and fall apart mid-ride with people on it.

   I left my dorm with my collar buttoned all the way up and returned with it buttoned four buttons down, YOU tell me how my night was....

   Sad people are fun to hang out with. They always have snacks around.

   Happy Birthday posts on Facebook make all the pain go away.

   Ran out of mix an hour ago....drinking this rum straight out of the bottle like a BOSS!!!

   Pope declares Mother Teresa a saint. Kanye West sues the Catholic Church for copyright infringement.

   If you don’t pretend you’re thanking polite ghosts every time you walk through automatic doors, you’re too mature for me.

   All sitcoms make me realize is that my group of friends don't have nearly as much sex as they should.

   Fact: I used to get beat up a lot at vacation bible school.

   Sure we can make out, but I ain't pausing tonights episode of 'Murder She Wrote'.

   "If Hitler loses there will be matzo ball soup trucks on every corner." - Hitler Supporter

   Thank you for installing Adobe Flash. A new version is available. Install?.. <YES>.. Thank you for installing Adobe Flash. A new version is available. Install?. <YES>.. Thank you for installing Adobe Flash. A new version is available. Install?

   I bet Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses are the highest level Pokémon Go players.