Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend was complaining that I never buy her flowers. I didn’t even know she sold them.

   Women are natural born artists …….. From drawing eyebrows to drawing conclusions .

   Winnie Mandela is 80 and still looks fresh and beautiful than most of you 20yr old girls.

   I show my coffeemaker the same love and affection you show your soul mate. And mine doesn't talk back.

   Whenever you think your job sucks, remember; at least you're not the guy at Instagram whose work is to search for and delete all the Nude pics

   it just me or does different shoes come with different movement/walk ?

   It's great to have pancakes on a special occasion. But I think it might have been better not to put syrup on before I blew out the candles.

   If you don't think of Tupac every time you down a Cranapple Snapple, then.... WTF ever, homie.

   According to state law, the other people waiting at the DMV are required to have a bad smell.

   The Love Boat was my favorite 80's TV show about senior citizens infecting each other with STD's on the open seas.

   In hindsight life was better when we could only take 12, 24 or 36 pictures at a time and we paid to print them. Even if doubles WERE free.

   I trust myself less than I trust bed bugs to do the right thing.

   Your dog, who rolls in carrion, rubs her muzzle in my hair. Oddly, I do not mind this, but am reconsidering my choice of conditioner.

   When I told you to be more spontaneous, I meant combustion.

   Bladderrash Counterhatch in the streets. Benedict Cumberbatch in the sheets. You don't get it? Me neither. I just want him in my sheets.

   Hate when the same commercial plays twice in a row because for a split second I feel like I finally figured out how to go back in time.

   When deaf kids sign curse words, do their parents threaten to wash their hands off with soap?

   If my extension cord ever gets tangled with my ear buds and Christmas lights, I’m really screwed.

   Mexico announces it's found 6 new oil deposits in Gulf of Mexico. Trump now wants to add a huge door to his wall.

   Trump's appearance on Dr. Oz will solely be for publicity and has nothing to do with real medical information. Same as all the other episodes.