Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "We are closer now to WW3 than we have ever been before" That was a news headline. Obviously we are closer now, thats how time works.

   Besides illegal immigrants, Hillary also has a lot of supporters that died along time ago.

   There should be a fourth option when voting for a president. It should be NONE OF THE ABOVE. If "NONE OF THE ABOVE" wins majority vote, all candidates should be disqualified and we have a do-over

   Stop petting my peeves!

   If Hillary wins it means way too many illegal mexicans are voting

   Ive been using the same tube of mascara for longer than Brock Turner was in jail.

   September 22nd is the first day of Fall. Not today. Not tomorrow. Put down the pumpkin. And stop being a life ruiner. Also pumpkin spice lattes causes constipation.

   ..... OK .... Listen up boys and girls ..... If Hillary Clinton can claim to not remember how to identify a classified document ...... How can she claim to have never sent or received one? ..... Any Plausible Answers?

   Props to all the women who don't have to dress like a slut to get attention from men, stay classy... The rest of you come with me...

   I'll probably be sick of these orange sherbet pushups by the time I finish the 22 pushup challenge but, I am determined to finish it anyway.

   Not to brag,,, but I have the high score on 7 different blood pressure machines around the city. *enters initials

   Judge: And how does the defendant plead?...... Me: *lips right on mic* 1 dollar, Bob.

   (snail newsroom) "Another slow news day, fellas?".. *Newsroom erupts into laughter... {snails start a slow-clap}

   Whoever kept Mike and Molly on the air by continually watching it which allowed it to go into syndication,,, I hate you.

   If you don't bother to raise for our national anthem, you don't deserve our freedom. Simple

   I'm done chasing people who aren't willing to do the same for me. After yesterday, the ice cream man can go stuff himself!

   I wish my typing skills were as good as the people in the movies.

   People playing Pokemon, Blink 182 having a hit song, a Clinton running for Pres., a Tarzan movie in theaters. Welcome to the 90s.

   Problems that have NOT been solved? Please join my class action suit against Vanilla Ice, who promised to solve them.

   Whats the best drug to have sex on? BIRTH CONTROL