Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Roger Ailes is offering to sleep with all Female Trump supporters to raise money for charity.

   Gave this girl my number and now she won't stop texting me. "Your table is ready. Please check in with the host." Geez....give me some space.

   Not do be outdone by the iPhone 7, Samsung announced today that their new phone will have a slightly less exploding battery.

   Cut Gary Johnson some slack. Donald Trump thought Aleppo was one of the Marx Brothers.

   Did you know, The White House was almost the Mauve House if not for a mix up at Sherwin-Williams.

   Putin has an 82% approval rating. The other 18% will be dead soon.

   "We are closer now to WW3 than we have ever been before" That was a news headline. Obviously we are closer now, thats how time works.

   Besides illegal immigrants, Hillary also has a lot of supporters that died along time ago.

   There should be a fourth option when voting for a president. It should be NONE OF THE ABOVE. If "NONE OF THE ABOVE" wins majority vote, all candidates should be disqualified and we have a do-over

   Stop petting my peeves!

   If Hillary wins it means way too many illegal mexicans are voting

   Ive been using the same tube of mascara for longer than Brock Turner was in jail.

   September 22nd is the first day of Fall. Not today. Not tomorrow. Put down the pumpkin. And stop being a life ruiner. Also pumpkin spice lattes causes constipation.

   ..... OK .... Listen up boys and girls ..... If Hillary Clinton can claim to not remember how to identify a classified document ...... How can she claim to have never sent or received one? ..... Any Plausible Answers?

   Props to all the women who don't have to dress like a slut to get attention from men, stay classy... The rest of you come with me...

   I'll probably be sick of these orange sherbet pushups by the time I finish the 22 pushup challenge but, I am determined to finish it anyway.

   Not to brag,,, but I have the high score on 7 different blood pressure machines around the city. *enters initials

   Judge: And how does the defendant plead?...... Me: *lips right on mic* 1 dollar, Bob.

   (snail newsroom) "Another slow news day, fellas?".. *Newsroom erupts into laughter... {snails start a slow-clap}

   Whoever kept Mike and Molly on the air by continually watching it which allowed it to go into syndication,,, I hate you.