Funny Status Messages

   My wife threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop with the endless flamingo impressions. So I had to put my foot down.

   Donald Trump is starting a petition to stop the sale of pre-shredded cheese. He’s very serious about trying to make the USA grate again.

   LIberals scream billying the loudest, then call whoever who do not agree with them, the worst words and degrade them. Just like a bully.

   The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman

   My family crest is a single rotisserie chicken.

   Oh shut up. You weren't even offended by the word deplorable until you looked it up.

   If I say "1-2-3-and to the 4" and you don't respond "Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre is at tha door"....I guess we never really knew each other.

   How To Satisfy Fast Food Cravings: 1) Grab a handful of almonds. 2) Step off the building.

   SHOCKING: Last night, all the cellists in the Hollywood Bowl orchestra sat during the National Anthem.

   Screaming at Kaepernick to stand up during the national anthem seems slightly more disrespectful.

   I fashioned a Snuggie out of several ShamWows. I look like an idiot, but I'm extremely absorbent.

   80's - Republicans vote for an actor. 10's - Republicans vote for a reality star. ...Why do they still blame Hollywood for everything?

   As it turns out Juggalos cannot juggle and now I'm wishing I hadn't invited so many over.

   Surgeon General's Warning To Parents: When your kids are old enough to buy their own birthday presents for you, the gifts get really, really crappy.

   Latest Galllup Presidential Poll: Hillary Clinton's body double is now polling higher than Jill Stein.

   If out of all the things to protest in the world right now, you chose Ryan Lochte, I hope you get swimmer's ear.

   Hillary Clinton isn't really sick, lizard people don't get sick....

   Dance like no one is secretly going to put that mess on Periscope.

   Probably the one thing I enjoy about dating homeless women so much is they really don't seem to care where I drop em off at.

   Debate Format Change: The first Presidential debate will just be a comprehensive physical exam followed a colonoscopy.