Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was little we didn't have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.

   I wish I were full of tacos instead of emotions.

   Imagine my embarrassment at getting caught in the rain without a piña colada.

   Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.

   If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.

   I don't understand why they called it "WebMD" when they could have called it "Sickipedia."

   Time doesn't exist. It's an exclusive construct derived from the primitive human mind. - I tell myself as I set my alarm for 5am

   ..... Heck ..... I was really surprised to see Barack Obama Cracking a joke while talking about the latest Terror Attack in Munich ..... But ... Then again ... It was Obama so maybe not ....

   If your choice ever gets down between a "Liar" and an "Orangutan" .... You should know that even an Orangutan can be controlled ..... but a Liar .... Will.... ALWAYS ... deceive......

   Dear ... Hillary .... We know you ...... That is why we can't .... and shouldn't .... support you ....

   When it comes time to vote and your only choice is between a liar and an orangutan

   I'm known all over the world for my exaggerations.

   The local car wash had a special "Brazilian Wax", now my car's carpet is gone....

   "Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille

   i know I'm fat cause every time I pass a buffet my phone joins its wifi network

   Grand Thaft Auto Go, New mission steal that car and kill everyone. Available Soon

   United we stand divided we fall

   The Un-United States of America.....

   Trump is cool because he doesn't play by the rules, and says what he wants. Cruz is shunned because he didn't play by the rules, and he said what he wants?

   Isn't it curious how almost all of the Networks slammed the evil Republican Convention all this week. Prediction: They will almost all have an ecstatic and excited thrill running up and down their collective legs during the Democrat convention.