Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   North Korean Twitter must be pretty lame...

   Rick Astley called, he changed his mind, he's giving you up.

   The worst thing about staying in a hotel during your vacation is learning the order of the tv channels.

   Gary Johnson is the Discover Card of presidential candidates. You'll use him in a pinch, but you're kind of embarrassed about it.

   Love the samples at Costco, however I think of them more as tapas you have to fight strangers to the death over.

   Slept like a baby last night. Abandoned, outside of a church in the rain.

   Melania Trump homemaker tip: When sorting your laundry, don't forget to separate your deplorables from your coloreds.

   The hardest part of hearing about my wife's work day is trying to recall the lyrics to the Growing Pains theme song.

   Visited a horse farm for the first time in my life yesterday and asked if the place the horses stay is called a neigh-borhood. I need to get out more.

   Wonders if Jay Z ever addressed the 99 other problems he had.

   When one door closes another one opens, in this haunted house I live in....

   Gary Johnson is now claiming he can see Aleppo from Sarah Palin's porch.

   AirBnb improving site. Listings to include questions: "Are you using this apartment/condo/house for a drug-fueled orgy?" "If so, will you pay a $25 cleaning fee?"

   It took a lot of Native Americans to convince the government that water is Good for everyone But the government still wants to wipe them out.

   ... Hard to believe we are at another anniversary of 9/11 again ..... It's also hard to believe that the same people that funded that attack are also funding 20% of Hillary Clinton's Presidential Campaign!!! .... My how times have changed!!

   Honey,, Why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer's office?

   The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don't use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"

   May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me...

   A guy tells his daughter to remove 2 words from her vocabulary. She asked which 2. He says, "one is gross the other is awesome." She goes, "okay what are they?"

   its not very often I act my age but when I do its fcuking boring !!