Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Verizon buys Yahoo's "core business" for $4.8 billion. Yahoo's "core business" is of course, "email accounts last used 5 years ago."

   It's Facebook, not Time Magazine. We don't need to see your entire life in pictures.

   I'm not difficult but my Wi-Fi password has more characters than an Avengers movie.

   I've watched all of Mr. Robot season one and I gotta say this is the absolute worst adaptation of a Styx song.

   It's not difficult but I'd prefer it if you washed your hands again before shaking mine.

   Hula Hoops were once banned in Japan for causing "obscene movements".

   There's no masculine way to eat a lollipop.

   BREAKING NEWS: Medical researchers have found that 100 percent of lab rats exposed to oxygen have eventually died.

   Love hot yoga because it's over 100 degrees with someone yelling at you. It's like growing up Italian in Florida.

   I now consider sitting in a quiet car as a good night out.

   A grown man was wearing a Minions shirt that said "I'm here to annoy you." Mission accomplished.

   Pro Tip: Hula Hoops were once banned in Japan for causing "obscene movements".

   Dying by a 'terrible accident' is the nicest way of saying 'sneezed while doing blow off a switchblade, in the back of a van'.

   Let my Tinder dates know I'm a bad boy by showing them the comments teachers left on my school reports.

   If you eat a dozen donuts quickly enough you can feel your soul hug you.

   Kids today are socially awkward because of their phones. I don't need a phone for that...I have all organic, farm fresh, free range anxiety.

   My Dad: People overcome adversity all the time son... Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

   *points to wrist* this is my Fitbit. *points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

   I got a Go Fund Me Account so I can afford Avocado on all my sandwiches

   Hey, law enforcement. Arrest and question every black guy with dreads. I have a hunch.