Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Hillary didn't faint, her knees didn't buckle... She slipped on all of her bull$hit....
←Rate | 09-13-2016 08:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The cool thing about democracy is that some people believe wrestling is real and they get to vote in the same elections as you do.
←Rate | 09-13-2016 04:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My white Camaro is fully loaded with a Whitesnake car alarm and denim interior.
←Rate | 09-13-2016 04:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Shout out to my neighbors for the 2 AM gun shots; I hope you enjoyed my 7 AM weed whacking.
←Rate | 09-13-2016 04:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Are You: A) A complete partier. B) A vampire. C) A regular insomniac, or D) Some combination of the above?
←Rate | 09-13-2016 04:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I can't wait for October, when sock selfies supplant feet selfies.
←Rate | 09-13-2016 04:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear friend, Regrets I can't go to your wedding. Shagging a Naval Officer. It will last longer than your marriage. Godspeed.
←Rate | 09-13-2016 04:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wasn't planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung Galaxy phones.
←Rate | 09-13-2016 04:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When my dog twitches his front paws in his sleep, I like to think he's dreaming of playing the bongos.
←Rate | 09-13-2016 04:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Nothing tests the love for your children like being awoken at 2 AM with a Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat kick to the sternum.
←Rate | 09-13-2016 04:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've reached the level of unfitness where I have to stretch before playing video games.
←Rate | 09-13-2016 04:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Chocolate Hazelnut is my favorite flavor of coffee creamer and also my rap name.....
←Rate | 09-13-2016 04:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I owned a GoPro, it would just be footage of me walking to our snack drawer.
←Rate | 09-13-2016 04:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sometimes when I'm too tired to walk I use my farts to propel me around all day like a jet pack.
←Rate | 09-13-2016 04:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Hey you want to Live Long and Prosper with me?" works great as a pick-up line.
←Rate | 09-13-2016 04:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon No matter what you think about Hillary's condition, I think we can all agree that pneumonia shouldn't start with a 'p'.
←Rate | 09-13-2016 04:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing it a Taylor Swift song. You'll die, but the bear will suffer too.
←Rate | 09-13-2016 01:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon showering together is cute until you realise women are trying to be 3rd degree burn patients and you’re just trying to get clean.
←Rate | 09-12-2016 15:12 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon People make fun of Gary Johnson for not knowing what Aleppo is...meanwhile they support a family that doesn't know the meaning of "classified" and the word "is"
←Rate | 09-12-2016 14:13 by Kman68 Comments (0)  


   messageicon did anyone ever find out what The Rock was cooking? I always hoped it was bacon
←Rate | 09-12-2016 11:36 Comments (0)  




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