Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Are You: A) A complete partier. B) A vampire. C) A regular insomniac, or D) Some combination of the above?

   I can't wait for October, when sock selfies supplant feet selfies.

   Dear friend, Regrets I can't go to your wedding. Shagging a Naval Officer. It will last longer than your marriage. Godspeed.

   I wasn't planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung Galaxy phones.

   When my dog twitches his front paws in his sleep, I like to think he's dreaming of playing the bongos.

   Nothing tests the love for your children like being awoken at 2 AM with a Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat kick to the sternum.

   I've reached the level of unfitness where I have to stretch before playing video games.

   Chocolate Hazelnut is my favorite flavor of coffee creamer and also my rap name.....

   If I owned a GoPro, it would just be footage of me walking to our snack drawer.

   Sometimes when I'm too tired to walk I use my farts to propel me around all day like a jet pack.

   "Hey you want to Live Long and Prosper with me?" works great as a pick-up line.

   No matter what you think about Hillary's condition, I think we can all agree that pneumonia shouldn't start with a 'p'.

   If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing it a Taylor Swift song. You'll die, but the bear will suffer too.

   showering together is cute until you realise women are trying to be 3rd degree burn patients and you’re just trying to get clean.

   People make fun of Gary Johnson for not knowing what Aleppo is...meanwhile they support a family that doesn't know the meaning of "classified" and the word "is"

   did anyone ever find out what The Rock was cooking? I always hoped it was bacon

   .... Isn't it curious that Hillary's health narrative went from "Stop the Conspiracy Theories" to "Hillary is perfectly healthy, stop being sexist" to "FDR had Polio and was a good President" in less than 12 hours?

   I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I'm going to have.

   Sex with someone that doesn’t want to is rape. I thought that was marriage?

   My girlfriend dumped me last week right after I broke my wrist. Just when I needed her the most.