Funny Status Messages

   What I really seek is a career where I can combine my three main strengths as a worker: sulking, sighing and complaining about management.

   Wonder what the electric eel was called, before electricity was invented.

   Interesting. Donald Trump Jr. said his dad releasing tax returns would lead to too many questions. Questions like, "Why have you never, ever paid taxes?"

   Donald Trump claims to only be 236 pounds. His pot belly, turkey neck and jowls plead the fifth.

   The best threesome is two chocolate chip cookies sandwiching ice cream.

   Did you know the NFL has announced they'll pledge $100 million to prevent player concussions; still no word on preventing their wives concussions.

   Brock Turner launching a "Drinking and Promiscuity" speaking tour is like Bill Cosby launching a "Roofies and Asking for It" sleep clinic.

   Trump reveals his medical records. They include Dr. Dre, Dr. Hook, and the Spin Doctors.

   Clinton 46% but her body double is polling at 62%....

   I don't really care to people's opinions when I can hit their IQ on a dart board.

   As it says in Corinthinans 2: "The hateful bigot shall be forgiven if after 7 years he blames someone else while promoting his hotel."#amen

   Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race, but then I remember there are grown ups who like Pokémon Go.

   Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants? Because E.T. eventually went home!

   Bartender on the phone. "Oh, ,hey.." Sees a priest, a rabbi, and a horse walk in " dude, let me call you back. This is going to be amazing"

   All I'm saying is a nacho bar would go a long ways towards earning that bigger tip, Uber drivers.

   In Gary Johnson's defense, its not easy keeping up with current events when you're stoned all the time.

   I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster

   Apparently I am turned on when me boss wears a short skirt. I found that out the hard way.

   I have a painful bulging vein on my thigh. It's an overactive thigh-roid.

   So, if a $3.50 cheeseburger has 350 calories, 2 of them for $5 only has 500 calories, right?