Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes I think I'm ready to teach meditation but other times someone honks at me and I scream death threats.

   It's difficult to not be a narcissist when your birthmark is the symbol of a Dragon warrior and your hair flows in the wind indoors.

   When someone flirts with you don't let it stop there. Flirt back, remove your shirt, put them in a headlock if you have to.

   My favorite thing about restroom graffiti is knowing the gangbanger had a sparkly marker in his pocket.

   Sometimes I meet people and feel bad for their dog.

   Why does Ashton Kutcher always look like he's withholding valuable information?

   Been watching my neighbor through the blinds, he's so creepy....

   Son, when I was your age there was no social media. You had to go to a bar and buy endless drinks to be ignored by multiple women.

   Gary Johnson 2016 #FeelTheJohnson

   Hmmmm Learned today that the Obama Administration has given Mexico $75 Million to build a wall along Mexico's Southern Border!!! Question: What part of "We need to secure the AMERICAN Border" does Mr. Obama and Hillary NOT understand?

   First Law of Holes is: If you are in one .... Stop Digging.

   Things I like about Autumn is slipping on a leaf that was hiding a piece of dog poop beneath it. Love that!!!

   Driving 42 miles to buy the same apples I could get 50% cheaper at the local grocery store 2 miles from my house is the reason why I absolutely love Autumn.

   I never broke up with my summer camp fling....technically we're still dating. My commitment issues are over!

   What if Donald Trump's entire immigration policy was just an elaborate ploy to divorce Melania?

   Staying focused is very challenging when there's so much porn on the Internet.

   The most uncomfortable part of seeing your work colleague crying at their desk is asking them if it's because they're crazy.

   When you see a Snowden movie directed by Oliver Stone, do the theater ushers hand out tin foil hats instead of 3D glasses?

   Just took a power nap on a park bench. Made $8.13 in change.

   Other Classic Jimmy Fallon Bits: 1) Coyishly rubbing oil on Putin's bare chest. 2) Playing footsie with Saddam Hussein. 3) Tugging Osama's beard.