Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was born, the doctor said to my mother: "Congratulations!!! You have an eight-pound ham."

   Miss Cleo has died, but if you act now, you can attend her funeral for only $2.99 a minute.

   It's sad when I'm too lazy to wash my car. That means I'm too lazy to play on my phone while my car sits on a conveyor belt.

   Those open borders seem to be working really well for Europe.

   When they legalize weed you should consider investing in pizza shops.

   How do you get Americans to exercise their right to vote when you can't even get them to exercise?

   Say what you want about Bernie Sanders, I always wonder if he is related to KFC's Colonel Sanders?

   Canada is like a really nice apartment above a meth lab .

   What's up with Hillary and all her doctor evil jackets? Oh wait.. It makes sense.

   To the Democrats: Your parents cant afford another 4 years of you living in their basement.

   Sorry I unfollowed you but you said regular fries are just as good as sweet potato fries,, and that's a lie.

   It's not the heat. It's the humidity......and the morons.

   There's a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It's like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn't say why.

   The young neighbors next door do things like water the lawn and plant flowers. I remember when I had hopes and dreams.

   A break up is bad when you have to point to a chalk outline.

   It surely can't be a coincidence that Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog share the same middle name.

   94% sure that the band Live still holds the record for singing about placenta in the opening of a song.

   If you want help moving I can only assume you're not an adult. Adults hire movers.

   Really hate to lose my Ashley Madison password. It's not like I can just ask my wife to help me find it.

   Trump DOES NOT HAVE THE ANSWERS, BUT the wall is a good F_ing start.