Funny Status Messages

   I don't think I can ever forgive the news media for reporting Angelina Jolie filing for divorce like its real news.

   Maybe the guy who switched from Verizon to Sprint can afford some braces for his bear trap now!

   I’m just a social drinker. Every time someone says, “I’ll have a drink”, I say, “Social I.”

   The biggest lie I tell myself is 'No need to write that down. I'll remember it.'

   Coolio arrested at LAX after a loaded gun was found in a carry-on bag. But what else do you bring on holiday to a gangsta's paradise?

   My First Question In Hell: What do you mean there's no ketchup and no ice water?

   To me everyday is Talk Like A Pirate Day and that's why I'm in between jobs right now.

   If you think the electoral college is the university where the election graduated from, you probably shouldn't vote.

   BREAKING: Jimmy Hoffa found buried with Corey Feldman's career. Location: Unknown.

   You never see Corey Feldman and Skrillex at the same place at the same time.

   I'm in the checkout isle and the guy behind me is smirking. What I'm buying: Hamster food, prunes, Vaseline and toilet paper. So I mouth 11pm?

   Hooters has a shuttle service that will take you to sporting events. It’s called Boober.

   If you said “all of my music is in the cloud” in the 1960s, it was due to mushrooms, not Apple.

   Wow....iPhone 7 is making odd hissing sounds. Tech experts say sounds are caused by electromagnetic effects, while I think it's just Siri farting.

   "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ONNNN?!?!" -Every horse being ridden during a civil war reenactment

   Whoever said you don't know what you have until it's gone was definitely talking about toilet paper.

   Did you know, if you hold an empty bottle of Yellow Tail Chardonnay to your ear you can hear a soccer mom complaining that she didn't get her ranch dressing.

   89% of all marriages is spent spooning your wife on the off chance she'll say "okay".

   Today concerns where raised when a glory hole was found in a public toilet. Immediately the Police were called and they are now looking into it.

   Hillary isn't the first woman to say I'm deplorable, and probably won't be the last