Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always close my eyes when I kiss a girl .... Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a heck of a lot more pepper spray in them.

   ..... Personally, I think a man with a helmet defending his country should make a lot more money than a man with a helmet defending a football.

   May your day be just a little bit brighter knowing that even Brad Pitt can get dumped.

   I watched the1980's Karate Kid. I waxed the old man's car, sanded the floor, painted the fence and house. I'm still got my butt kicked because Hollywood lies.

   Angelina Jolie filing for divorce? Maybe I have a chance this time. Anyone have her number?

   Send me one more game request and I show up at your house hammered, at 4am, naked demanding a game of Twister...

   Happiness is when you see your ex dating someone you can draw with your left hand

   I don't think I can ever forgive the news media for reporting Angelina Jolie filing for divorce like its real news.

   Maybe the guy who switched from Verizon to Sprint can afford some braces for his bear trap now!

   I’m just a social drinker. Every time someone says, “I’ll have a drink”, I say, “Social I.”

   The biggest lie I tell myself is 'No need to write that down. I'll remember it.'

   Coolio arrested at LAX after a loaded gun was found in a carry-on bag. But what else do you bring on holiday to a gangsta's paradise?

   My First Question In Hell: What do you mean there's no ketchup and no ice water?

   To me everyday is Talk Like A Pirate Day and that's why I'm in between jobs right now.

   If you think the electoral college is the university where the election graduated from, you probably shouldn't vote.

   BREAKING: Jimmy Hoffa found buried with Corey Feldman's career. Location: Unknown.

   You never see Corey Feldman and Skrillex at the same place at the same time.

   I'm in the checkout isle and the guy behind me is smirking. What I'm buying: Hamster food, prunes, Vaseline and toilet paper. So I mouth 11pm?

   Hooters has a shuttle service that will take you to sporting events. It’s called Boober.

   If you said “all of my music is in the cloud” in the 1960s, it was due to mushrooms, not Apple.