Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I know women like "bad boys" but this Build a Bear Workshop coupon is going to expire soon so that's where we are going on our first date.

   OK .... You know your life is shallow if Chick - Fill - A is a major concern in your life

   OK ...... Somebody wake up the guy from Green Day ..... September just ended .....

   Post George Carlin quotes...crickets. Post Saget quotes...a ticker tape parade ensues.

   My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

   Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

   "Siri, what are the side effects of Marijuana?" I mumble into a Hershey's bar

   "There is nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home." -- Hillary Clinton, probably

   What goes up must come down. Except for crawling underwear.

   The next time you think your job sucks image how the camera crew that follows around the Kardashians 24/7 must feel.

   Now when she say's "deplorable" does she mean like when her husband stuck a cigar in places it didn't belong? I'm just trying to set a precedent here...

   "Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?" I mumble into the tv remote.

   Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.

   If my roof ever catches on fire, I’ll have trouble not repeating myself when I call 911.

   Heck .... Considering what we know now it is evident that Osama Bin Laden would probably still alive if he had donated to Hillary's Clinton Foundation .... Just sayin'

   "Where are you?" must be the least used phrase in sign language

   it me or does Lester Holts look like a Bigfoot?

   My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

   strongly suspects that Lester Holt got his journalism degree from the University of Phoenix.

   A woman's crazy is like an iceberg. 90% of it is not visible.