Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ancient ad featuring a very young Rolling Stones singing. Because of their age now, they should call their next shows the "Snap, Crackle, and Pop Tour".

   America paid Bill $500,000 a year to screw Monica. Guess who Hillary is gonna screw...

   They say that we are what we eat. That means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!

   Rule number one for our new Ice Maker: If ice falls, kick it under the fridge.

   I asked my dry cleaners if they accepted credit cards and they said yes and then I asked if by chance they accepted declined credit cards.

   Yup ... Once you advocate killing cops ... You are no longer protesters ...... You are now Terrorists!

   .... All Lives Matter ..... Well .... Except: terrorists, rapists, child molesters, cop killers & anybody who hates America. Screw those those people!

   2016 Presidential election. ISIS is claiming responsibility for this act of terror.

   It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One you will see after a while, whereas the other, you will see them later.

   I also think it's adorable how their putting jokes on the sides of snacks now. .. Like listen to this one, ,,"serving size 3 cookies "

   I think it's funny how "go to sleep " and "do parkour" sound exactly the same to my kids

   I think I'll go to the playground so I can enjoy a relaxing afternoon of screaming at my kids for screaming

   Well, of course the gas station air pump costs a dollar, because air doesn't grow on trees........... Ummmm,,,,, wait.

   Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

   it true that the tons of confetti dropped at the Democrat National Convention was actually Hillary's shredded emails?

   Things I do for klondike bars: 1) Buy them 2) Steal them 3) You

   Wait, were those actually political conventions or a seemingly endless loop of American Horror Story??

   Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect - A Guide to Dying Alone

   Pro Tip: Punching the air is the quickest way to dry your hands and the best way to keep ghosts from humping you.

   Forget Klondike, you should see what I'd do for an open bar.