Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yes, the rumor is true. I did poop my pants while running home from the neighbor's house when I was 5.

   Quit telling everyone how much you love Fall, you psychopath.

   If you're walking around the house talking to yourself, it's okay if your dog is listening.

   No Nancy, I can't come to your essential oils party. I have to organize my liquor cabinet.

   My sex tape is 30 minutes of me trying to get back on the floaty I fell off of in the pool.

   I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, "well, at least somebody gets to be held."

   Listen, I could have gone my whole life without hearing the term "fecal transplant" and I wouldn't have regretted it.

   "Better out than in," I merrily say as I force my guests out the front door at 9 PM.

   My son always has a stuffed banana with him and I'm worried this is how hacky comics get their start. Should I introduce him to drugs now?

   What sounds better, "working through things" or "soul as black as the depths of the ocean"? I really need to get my Craigslist ad right.

   I'm pretty sure the devil and the angel on my shoulders are secretly f**king.

   'What's your wifi password?' is a visiting child's new 'can I have a cookie?'

   I went into the bathroom without my phone and now I know all the ingredients of cleaning solutions.

   If I ever become a ghost I'd wear something with pizazz, like a snazzy bow tie or something.

   Still trying to figure out what base "furniture shopping" is.

   If I had a bowl of Tic Tacs and told you that Donald Trump used them so he was ready to kiss women without their permission would you vomit?

   Friend: I'm getting married! Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

   Y'all freaking out about the clowns as if women aren't afraid of being murdered by strange men while walking alone at night all the time.

   At this rate, it's starting to seem like Americans will be voting on which candidate to keep out of jail in November.

   Hmmmmmm ..... One says nasty words ........ The other does Nasty things. I wonder which one would hurt you most.