Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After dating for 2 months she wanted to meet my parents. I said baby chill...I waited 9 months to meet my own.

   Russia's intelligence agency the FSB, successor to the KGB, has posted a notice on its website claiming that it now has the ability to collect crypto keys for Internet services that use encryption. Thanks Donald Trump!!

   I was ending my email with 'regards' and didn't realize I hit the 'T' button instead of the 'G'

   Mexico has the same problem the US has.........Too many mexicans.

   You wouldn't believe how many bookshelves I've ruined looking for secret passageways.

   Decorating question: What color paint matches well with dust?

   We all wish Bond movies should give out a more realistic view of how long it takes valet parking to fetch your car.

   Only wishes Twitter gives out verified badges as easy as Tinder has given out STD's.

   Commenting "looking good!" on a hot girl's Instagram photo is the modern day equivalent of a construction worker yelling at a woman.

   Calling yourself patriotic makes you patriotic the same way calling yourself a neurosurgeon makes you a neurosurgeon....

   Dad Log Day 3 At Disneyland: Still in line to meet the the Princesses from Frozen. Looks like less than a day wait to go.

   I show up to one Swingers Party doing a fantastic Vince Vaughn impersonation and nobody wants to invite me back.

   It's reassuring knowing my brother is looking down on me, but if he stopped wearing heels I'd be an inch taller than him.

   Irony is walking into a Hooters and realizing most of the male customers have a "more gifted chest" than the female waitresses.

   Baskin Robbins spends $100 million a year to make you believe there are only 31 flavors.

   Whenever I eat pizza I look like a rabid dog that's snorted 4 lines of coke.

   Did you know Sharknado 4 is the most scientifically accurate movie ever made.

   Jill Stein and Jenny McCarthy walk into a bar. They spend the entire night trying to talk people out of doing shots.

   Watched Ant-Man today. Now I'm hoping the roach I flushed down the toilet wasn't on some kind of secret mission.

   Kids these days call it "Pokemon Go" I used to call it "dropping a little too much acid and chasing the neighborhood cat around".