Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So North Korea only has 28 websites. Well we just have Facebook. Wait you mean there are more?

   Remember, you can see something or you saw something. You can't seen something...

   Democrats want to raise the min wage for two reasons: 1) more votes, and 2) more tax dollars. They know it will only raise prices, making it worthless. They also know most min wage earners don’t know this…

   My wife, whose almost deaf wants a kid. She went to the doctor and he said she has a fissure in her uterus and if she had a baby it's be a miracle. She thought he said she had a fish in her uterus and if she had a baby it's be a mackerel.

   Angelina Jolie adopted a few lawyers and put Brad Pitt up for adoption.....

   For some reason, whenever I'm taking clothes out of the dryer, I have the urge to start singing "You gotta know when to Hold em', know when to Fold em'.....know when to walk away, know when to run....."

   Angelina Jolie has filed for a divorce from Brad Pitt. Does that mean they will go back to working as independent assassins?

   Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to divorce. They've already adopted a team of lawyers.

   Just saying if the NFL has any balls at all, Corey Feldman will be the Super Bowl halftime show.

   To this day I can't drink a third cup of coffee without thinking of Jessie Spano and the caffeine pill damage of 1990.

   "Nobody eats just one bowl of Skittles. I should know." -Chris Christie

   Always hope I'm the first person somebody calls when they need help moving so they have more people to call when I decline.

   What to exercise today? Spots hottie in shorts. Gets on random machine nearby. Carefully follows her around gym.

   Saw a guy wearing shorts with suspenders and black socks with sandals and realized I'll never be that confident.

   The most contentious part of the Brangelina divorce will be who gets custody of Ethiopia.

   Over 15% of Venezuela residents eat garbage on a daily basis. “Disgusting. We’re so lucky in the US" said an oblivious Arby’s customer.

   Trump promises all Americans a free bag of Skittles when he's President.

   I'm voting for the old person who doesn't discriminate against hard candies.

   Ask not what your country can do for you, ask who can build a giant wall for cheap.

   Scientists say the Earth is now reflecting too little light back into space. The biggest drop came in 1987 with the death of Liberace.