Funny Status Messages

   "Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?" I mumble into the tv remote.

   Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.

   If my roof ever catches on fire, I’ll have trouble not repeating myself when I call 911.

   Heck .... Considering what we know now it is evident that Osama Bin Laden would probably still alive if he had donated to Hillary's Clinton Foundation .... Just sayin'

   "Where are you?" must be the least used phrase in sign language

   it me or does Lester Holts look like a Bigfoot?

   My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

   strongly suspects that Lester Holt got his journalism degree from the University of Phoenix.

   A woman's crazy is like an iceberg. 90% of it is not visible.

   Anyway, I didn't see a debate. I saw two grumpy old married people arguing at Wal Mart.

   Hillary: "Donald you need to release your taxes" Donald: "I emailed them to you!"

   NEWS FLASH: Facebook will expand it's efforts to stop online hate speech,, *in other words, they will be shutting down until after the election

   All I'm saying is, would it have killed Star Wars to give the audience a peek at the Death Star cafeteria?

   If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.

   A new poll says 74 percent of Americans will hand out candy to trick-or-treaters. While the other 26 percent plan to spend three hours hiding in the living room with the lights out.

   she was only a wrestler's daughter but you should have seen her box.

   there is a room in hell where they play an endless loop of every time you told someone you loved them and they didn't say it back

   What's the word for when someone goes 1-100km/h in 7.5 sec in a relationship only to jump out as you engage cruise control?

   Happy 18th birthday Google. You can officially go to a titty bar G ( . ) ( . ) G L E👍

   That odd moment when, during the Presidential Debates, one of the candidates takes a moment to promote their book.