Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin....no matter how epic it is.

   I have heard "I can't believe you're still alive" more times than I'm comfortable with.

   Nothing says, "I have a lot of free time," more than someone eating a pomegranate.

   Plot twist: The very hungry catepillar does NOT turn into a butterfly but a crying emotional mess who has to go one size up in her jeans.

   I'm much more bothered by what Hillary has DONE than by what Trump has Said!

   Experts say Donald Trump has suffered the worst week of his political career until next week.

   You know when you get the shivers when you pee?.. That's because you just peed out a ghost.

   Democrats and Liberalism are both Mental Disorders... deal with them accordingly.

   If Hillary is elected I'm moving to Benghazi .... I'm pretty sure she will ignore me there ...

   Republicans Hate dead people ... They want to deny them their right to vote.

   You caught me at a bad time. Between birth and death.

   No f***ing way will I choose the shopping cart that someone left a piece of paper in.

   If somebody doesn't text me back within 5 minutes I assume they don't love me or that they've died from loving me too much.

   Me asking someone out on a date is a lot like them wanting a Coke and I ask "Is Pepsi okay?"

   Next generation Monopoly pieces: -Croc. -Fedora. -Prius. -iPhone. -Starbucks cup. -A thimble because we've made very little progress in that area.

   Thanks 5 hour energy drink, but I have to work for 8 hours-not 5. I'll just stick with cocaine.

   Most murder victims are killed by someone they know. So stay safe by living a life of heartbreaking solitude, devoid of human contact.

   Trump's smart, he doesn't pay taxes. Sniff. Russia, China and 400 pound people may be out to get us. Sniff.

   I removed a "ha" from a "hahaha" in a text so I wouldn't send the wrong message about my enthusiasm.

   Just decided to let my hair grow out. Partially out of curiosity but mostly because cutting it isn't worth the risk of the barber making small talk.