Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hmmmmmm ..... One says nasty words ........ The other does Nasty things. I wonder which one would hurt you most.

   hey didn't Bernie wright a fantasy essay in 1972 fantasizing about raping people? .... Naw .... Dems don't do stuff like that

   I'm sure glad there isn't a microphone around to record every thing I say in private.

   ..... This is really weird .... For some strange reason ..... every time I pick up my Cat I end up thinking about Donald Trump.

   hope the next presidential debate starts with a handshake, instead of Trump grabbing Hillary by.........

   My wife says we will only eat orange Skittles while watching the second presidential debate.

   Did you know the women in Trump's family learned a long time ago how to protect their private parts when Trump is around them.

   Hey, If American women are outraged at a presidential candidate's use of Naughty words .... Who the heck bought those ... 80 MILLION COPIES OF 50 SHADES OF GREY????

   Has anyone considered that Trump might be a Galaxy Note 7?

   The crappy thing is,,, there are people that will vote for Trump,,, but would punish their kids for just saying the word "Pu$$y".

   We've spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.

   I once saw Tony the Tiger and the Trix rabbit having Chex. It was grrrrrrross.

   The best way to cook ramen noodles is to boil water, add noodles, wait three minutes, then try not to think about your life.

   Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

   I try not to think about things I can't control like war and poverty and my personal life.

   Did you know that grapefruit tastes like it's trying to kill you.

   Netflix removed my 3 year old's favorite movie. THE APOCALYPSE IS NOW!!!

   My stripper name would be "Placebo Effect".

   I have serious problems with intimacy and first impressions and friendships and strangers and everything else.

   Grocery Store List: -Bottle of Wine. -Wheel of Cheese. -Get Well Soon card (for myself).