Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1132 of 6383
After watching the Olympics Opening Ceremonies last night, I'm going to say it'll be pretty safe there for the next two weeks. Even terrorists and Zika carrying mosquitoes are feeling sorry for Brazil.
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08-06-2016 10:09 by Fazzella
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.... My Nuclear option to try to calm things down in the heat of passion .... is to think of Hillary ...... But only when absolutely necessary ... Cuz I don't want to become permanently sterile.
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08-06-2016 00:55
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..... The older I get .... The more dangerous it is to sneeze .....
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08-06-2016 00:51
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Hey everybody, Dont forget before its too late, its a good time to hide some leftover fireworks under some ashes in your friends fireplace
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08-06-2016 00:41
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Opening Ceremony was great. During the plethora of commercials, I've cleaned the house, had a bath, and learned to play the accordion.
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08-06-2016 00:27 by Snotty
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I don't get what the big deal is: the entire Republican platform is plagiarized from my uncle's drunken Thanksgiving rants.
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08-05-2016 23:48 by Snotty
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"Do not touch!" must be one of the scariest things to read in brail.
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08-05-2016 22:03 by @DJPhatJ
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For once, I'd like to hear someone go "Yeah, I CAN believe it's already August....The time seems to be moving at the appropriate speed."
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08-05-2016 19:47
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Melania Trump denies breaking immigration laws, claims she was born in Chicago and graduated from Princeton.
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08-05-2016 19:46
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Wonder what you do for the other two hours at a Kings of Leon concert after they play 'Sex on Fire'....
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08-05-2016 19:45
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From what I can tell, there’s nothing in the city ordinances that prevents me from installing a fence that spells out BITE ME at my neighbor.
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08-05-2016 19:43
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Don't Tell The Kids #1: But the monster is under their bed because it refuses to pay rent for a full room.
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08-05-2016 19:42
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Don't Tell The Kids #2: But I spent their inheritance on gummy bears and Swedish fish.
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08-05-2016 19:40
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Trying to choose who to Vote for President is like trying to choose whether to eat a Dog Turd or a Cat Turd.
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08-05-2016 19:00
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... It is a proven fact that when you clean out a Vacuum Cleaner .... You become a Vacuum Cleaner.
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08-05-2016 18:17
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Cracker Barrel commercials brag about their mac and cheese because everything else sucks.
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08-05-2016 17:57
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You can tell how rich someone is from their reaction when you tell them you had cheese toast for dinner.
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08-05-2016 15:56
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Preparing for old age by sitting on a bench watching construction workers lay cement. This will be my joy one day.
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08-05-2016 15:55
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Hey automatic flushing toilets, I decide when I'm finished.
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08-05-2016 15:54
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MTV's show Pimp My Ride was just propaganda for everyone to get tweed seats.
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08-05-2016 15:52
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