Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

   neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*

   my neighbor says that his son called him and said he thought his roommate was gay.... he asked his son why he thought that... son says, well dad everytime I kiss him, he giggles

   There are two different kinds of screaming...If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in

   Wondering if life is easier when you're totally insane? I'm about halfway there and I want to know if I need to speed up or slow down

   The number of people who confuse ”to” and ”too” is amazing two me.

   Galileo Galilei (1564-1642) played a major role in the scientific revolution even though he was such a poor boy and nobody loved him.

   It’s President Obama’s birthday. I can’t believe it’s been 61 years since his mother forged his birth certificate.

   Creaky door hinges are just free home security for us poor folks

   Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

   When I was young, I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.

   I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

   I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.

   I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

   The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

   A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

   Love conquers all things, except poverty and a toothache.

   The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.

   Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.

   If you want to look thin, hang out with fat people.