Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm no athlete in Rio, but I'd still like someone to test my urine. I suspect it's excellent.

   Legally you can add your name to the cast of any IMDB entry as long as you end it with "(uncredited)".

   Always buy flowers when on a date with a vegan. So they have something to eat when I take them to Outback Steakhouse for dinner.

   At this point an all nighter simply means I didn't need to get up to pee in the middle of the night.

   Instead of milk cartons they should put photos of missing people on the backs of smartphones.

   Movie idea: "Suicide Squad 2". They could just film the reaction of people watching part 1.

   According to the women's beach volleyball game I just watched, I don't need Viagra after all. :/

   ..... If stomping on the US Flag is considered Protected Free Speech ..... Well heck ... Then so is stomping on someone who is stomping on the Flag.

   The Donald is gonna have to learn how to Duck.

   n't it strange how so many Media and Journalism Outlets are condemning Wikileaks for doing just what Journalists used to do?

   The guy in the bathroom with me is having trouble getting his pee started because he thinks I'm listening. He's right. I'm listening....

   HELP WANTED: Neck trapped in the sleeve again.

   Babies are the only ones with enough courage to scream on airplanes.

   The most important part of signing your kid up for an activity is getting a sticker for your car so everyone knows.

   There's nothing quite like that moment when your toddler comes for a cuddle, looks deep into your eyes, and sneezes directly into your face.

   If you are on fire, my advice would be to get off fire.

   If you tweet as a couple and split up, she gets custody of all the followers. That's the way it works. He might get a RT on weekends.

   Not unlike jury duty, every American eventually gets a letter in the mail indicating that it's their turn to feud with Taylor Swift.

   The time I was so drunk I forgot what a bar was and called it the Beer Desk.

   Marty McFly had horrible parents. Sure teenage son, hang around with the weirdo scientist who lives alone and drives a windowless truck.