Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A coworker stopped by to inform me she had lost 30 pounds. As I watched her walk away I realize I had just found the 30 pounds.

   if you had one chance, one opportunity, to eat warm regurgitated food or fresh dog po0, what will you take? Hilarious or Dumph?

   Top 5 Fears: 1) Snakes. 2) Tornados. 3) Avalanches. 4) Spiders. 5) A baby not high fiving me back.

   Birth control pills should come in Pez dispensers that feature a tiny baby head crying on top.

   Donald Trump has no political experience. Meanwhile you need 5 years experience for an entry level management position at Chili's.

   The Lady and the Tramp spaghetti kiss scene except it's me, alone, eating a Hot Pocket over my sink.

   Probably the worst thing you can hear when you're wearing a bikini is "Good for you!"

   it still called a mimosa if it's with vodka and there's no champagne and it's in a flask and you're in a dumpster?

   When someone tells me their baby's name is Chance I just assume it's because the condom broke.

   Maybe North Korea just needs a Snickers bar.

   If you're valet parking your PT Cruiser you should just hand over the keys and tell them to drive it off a cliff.

   Ariana Grande's body is 60 percent water and 40 percent ponytail.

   If anyone over tells you your dreams are silly, remember there's a millionaire walking around who invented the pool noodle.

   "Don't wear white after Labor Day" was the original first rule of Fight Club.

   How to Defeat Bears: 1) Play dead. 2) Stand up tall. 3) Have them use Jay Cutler as their quarterback.

   What's your favorite part of Fall? Leaves changing color? Crisp weather? Realizing we're all marching towards imminent death? Hot cocoa?

   People always ask why no one immediately moves out of a haunted house but it's like UGH moving suuuuuucks.

   So weird that National Vodka Day last week happens on the same day as Text Your Ex Day.

   Love corn mazes because they're a festive way to feel like you might never escape the hellish walls you're surrounded by.

   My favorite ghost story begins with "You have 14 invites waiting for you on LinkedIn..."