Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If anyone ever asks you what would Jesus do? Remind them that flipping over tables and chasing them with a whip is within the realms of possibilities...Matthew 21:12 :)

   No one respects women more than DT, because if they don't respect him he will grab them by the p@ssy."

   Shouldn't we be protesting hurricane Matthew?...tree lives matter.

   I will start to worry when there are mime sightings in my neighborhood.

   Just heard a character say "There are no do-overs" on a show about time travel. That's the whole point of time travel!

   Kim Kardashian was robbed again in Paris because they needed re-shoots for her show.

   Geologists say the California earthquake will most likely happen this weekend due to earthquakes being too busy during the week.

   The majority of people who are outraged about Benghazi can't even find Libya on a map. Or knew that Benghazi is in Libya til they read this.

   Meteorologists advising people in path of hurricane to tie down things that can be picked up by winds, i.e. stray dogs, hookers, and vagabonds.

   Causes of childhood anxiety: 4% Bullying, 9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch, 87% Musical Chairs.

   Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard.

   Cured meats taste better than meats that are still sick.

   Nobody wants to hear anyone ever talk about "whipping out that Mexican thing again" unless it's homemade guacamole.

   The scariest clown sightings so far have been the 2 running at the top of the Republican ticket.

   Gary Johnson probably thought Kim Jong Un was the name of a new strain of weed.

   With its resplendent colors and invigorating chill, autumn is my favorite time to ponder my complete insignificance in an uncaring universe.

   Kim Kardashian blames herself for Paris robbery. No word yet on if she takes responsibility for the downfall of Western society.

   Halloween, that magical time of year when I can buy 10 pound bags of candy and no one thinks it's "a huge red flag."

   With all these clown sightings, I’m gonna start picking them up in my UberPool. Even better, I'll use a tiny car and fit 20 in at a time!!!

   I haven't checked the chinese calendar yet but I'm betting this is the year of the Clown.